Lost Souls
by Victoria May
Summary: Two wayward souls meet on the shores of Lake Michigan
1. Default Chapter Title

She loved the water and came often to this quiet spot on Lake Michigan. It had little to offer except for its variety of trees sprinkled across the grassy shoreline. She was rarely disturbed here. Of course there were other people on this shore, but they were like herself-alone and deep in thought, or lovers reveling in each other's company.  
  
She watched as waves formed and rushed towards land, splashing onto the shore and then retreating again. The setting sun glimmered on the water. A breeze caught a piece of her long, wavy, strawberry blond hair and blew it across her eyes. She didn't notice. The smell of the breeze caught her attention and she inhaled deeply. Summer was almost over and the days were getting shorter. She sighed deeply as she thought of the impending winter.   
  
Flinging her arms open wide, she collapsed back onto her faded, patchwork blanket. 'Why can't I just stay here forever?' she thought wistfully. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the smell of the grass, the trees, and the softly scented breeze. She was happy here. She ran her outstretched hand over the blanket. Her grandmother would be happy that she had taken the blanket as her own after her mother's passing. She hoped that one day she would have her own daughter to pass the heirloom to. She ran her finger over a hole in a seam, and tugged at a piece of batting. She would have to mend it first.   
  
She sighed again and pulled herself into a sitting position. She reached into her bag and took out a battered journal. Her head was racing with thoughts, her heart full of feelings ready to explode if she didn't channel them somewhere. She reached again into her bag and fumbled around for her journaling pen. Her fingers touched a small plastic cylinder and she wrapped her fingers around it. Withdrawing it from her purse she uncapped the blue fountain pen she had bought at the drug store. It had only cost her a couple dollars, but she liked the way it felt when she wrote with it. She reserved it for her journal entries, thus elevating it to a somewhat sacred status.   
  
She lowered the tip to the paper and paused. This was always the hardest part. What was she feeling exactly? She glanced around the small alcove of trees and grass and took in the landscape and people near her. Sometimes it helped to write about her surroundings before she tackled the deeper issues. She began to write:  
  
'Well, here I am again, at the lake. I know I've been writing a lot, but I have a lot to sort out. My life is falling apart. But you know that already-I think that's the main theme in here this month, no, year. I wish I could just sit here looking out at the water and breathing in the summer air and never have to deal with my life again. Can I do that? No, I didn't think so. There are quite a few people here today. I really don't mind, they aren't bothering me. There's an elderly couple sitting under a tree near the road. I think they're afraid to go too far from their car. They're cute though. They're cuddling like teenagers, but they could just be cold and are trying to keep warm. Older people do get cold easily. There's a woman down near the water with a couple kids. They look like they have a picnic lunch spread out. Oh, I guess that would be dinner. Whatever. Anyway, the kids are running in and out of the water. The woman isn't watching them very closely. I hope they don't go too far in, they could drown and she wouldn't notice. I hate people like that. They just let their kids run around and don't seem to notice or care that they're bumping into people or getting in trouble. I can't tell what the woman is doing. I don't think she's sleeping, she's sitting up. She's probably just stressed out and isn't really ignoring the kids. Maybe she's just tuning them out. I guess whatever works to keep from hitting them. Whoa! There I go assuming things again. I have to quit doing that. Just look at what's apparent and quit trying to analyze everyone. Hmm, the sun sure looks pretty today. Barely any clouds. Focused? O.K. There's a guy sitting on a bench a little ways away. He's got his legs all stretched out in front of him and his arms are crossed over his chest. Gee, he looks more bummed out than I feel. Could that be possible? I can't see his face though, I'm too far away. He's an interesting looking guy. He's dressed pretty nice too. Slacks, a pale blue shirt, suspenders! I haven't seen a guy wear suspenders since I was five and dad was getting dressed for a big New Year's Eve party. He never wore suspenders again after that. Hmm, the guy just stood up and stretched. Is he leaving? That would be too bad, he's kind of cute-of course I am pretty far away. He could be relatively unattractive close up. No, he's sitting back down. Actually he sat and then slumped over. He put his head down into his hands. Jeez, he really is worse off than me. I think he's crying! His shoulders look like they're shaking. I feel horrible. Like I just invaded someone's intimate moment. I'm sure he didn't come here to give a show. I guess I should start getting to my own issues, but. . ..'  
  
Slowly, she lowered her pen and set it down. She looked towards the man on the bench again and sighed. He looked so alone and sad. Whatever was bothering him must be pretty bad for him to cry out in the open like this. Slowly, she got to her feet and shook out her long, flowered skirt. She ran her hand through her wavy hair and pulled it into a loose pony tail at the back of her neck. She leaned over and took a peach scunnci out of her bag and wrapped it around the ponytail. Leaving her belongings on the blanket, she casually walked in the direction of the man. As she drew closer, she knew that he was indeed crying. His shoulders shook, but he was making no sound. He appeared not to hear her as she approached as he didn't move or look up. She kneeled down beside him and gently laid her hand on his leg.   
  
"Are you O.K.?" she asked quietly.   
  
His body stopped shaking and he froze. Quickly she withdrew her hand from his leg.   
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He still didn't answer. She began to wonder if this was a mistake, coming to him like this. He probably just wanted to be left alone-like herself. Slowly, he raised his head away from his hands, and hastily began to wipe away the tears from his face.   
  
"I'm O.K. You didn't scare me." He looked at her, and she realized he had the most beautiful puppy dog brown eyes she had ever seen. In fact, he was the most handsome man she had seen in some time. He looked young, about her age. He didn't look very healthy though. He was a little too thin and he had dark circles under his eyes. He looked defeated.  
  
He shifted awkwardly and she realized that he looked very uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, I embarrassed you. I should have just stayed over on my blanket and left you alone."  
  
He again didn't answer her and instead looked down at the ground. He reached his hand up and leaned his head on it. He was definitely not O.K. She kneeled at his side again, putting her hand back on his leg and this time left it there.   
  
"I'm a good listener."   
  
He turned his face towards her and noticed how innocent she looked. Her hair was hastily pulled away from her face, her fair skin was adorned with a sprinkling of freckles. Her eyes were green and gentle and he could swear they were looking right into his soul. She wore a simple peasant blouse paired with her long flowing, flowered skirt. He couldn't ignore how comfortable he felt with this stranger who was looking at him with such deep concern in her eyes.   
  
Before he realized what he had said, he spoke. "I'm not O.K."  
  
She sat on the grass in front of him and tucked her legs to the side. She smoothed her skirt over her legs and looked up at him intently. "I'm listening."  
  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

John Carter sat on the bench and looked at the beautiful woman who had seated herself on the grass in front of him. He knew he should feel embarrassed to have attracted attention to himself in this manner, but instead he felt at ease with this woman. He deliberated telling her everything that he was feeling, why he was sitting in a park alone and crying. After all, he didn't know her and she didn't know him. He had been wanting to talk to someone, but he couldn't bring himself to open up to anyone at the hospital. Peter acted as though he were magically cured of all that ailed him during his brief stay in Atlanta. Rather than ask him how he might be feeling, Peter commented on how well he appeared to be doing. Kerry was the exact opposite. She was constantly asking him how he is, what can she do for him, offering to listen. It was as if she were waiting for him to fail. John knew that by opening up to Kerry, he would be admitting some kind of defeat. He knew that this was ludicrous, but he felt it all the same. Mark and Luka almost seemed as depressed he was. The death of his parents had finally settled on Mark and he had turned all his attentions on Elizabeth, as if trying to fill some void. Luka was absorbed in his own world-Carol's departure had wounded him deeply and he was still wandering around lost and alone. He had thought of trying to talk to Abby, but it was obvious after his jumbled apology and her strained acceptance that he would have to give her a lot of distance. He didn't blame her for being uncomfortable around him, he had after all accused her of being a liar and a drug addict. And he wasn't exactly himself yet. He had gone back to work more depressed than when he had left. He had no way to hide from his feelings any more-they had taken away the only support he had allowed himself, his drug dependency. He was left to face his demons which were even uglier by the light of sobriety. There was no way Dave would be able to understand what he was going through, he would only crack jokes to hide his discomfort. That left Deb. He didn't think he could handle her support though. It was hard to tell what was sincere and what was a fabrication of her need to be the perfect friend, perfect doctor, perfect senior resident . . ..   
  
John hadn't been able to open up to his new therapist here in Chicago the way he had hoped. He had liked his therapist, Dr. Myler, in Atlanta and had found it easy to talk to him about everything. He had even been able to talk about the stabbing and his feelings about Lucy's death. He had talked about his family, his friends, his sexual relationships with this doctor without embarrassment or apology. He felt like he was finally healing from all that he had been through. He had looked forward to returning to Chicago. By the end of his stay in Atlanta, he was even sleeping through the night unaided and nightmare free.   
  
John thought he was prepared to settle back into his old life. He was wrong. Perhaps he had leaned too hard on Dr. Myler and the support of the clinic and expected it to be the same when he went home. As soon as he had stepped off the plane at Ohare Airport the realisation settled on him that he was again alone. He may have changed, but the people in his life had not. He had tried to open up to his new therapist in Chicago, Dr. Felzman, but didn't feel any connection to the man. He tried to explain his feelings about returning to Chicago while Dr. Felzman sat and scribbled notes into a notepad, barely responding to what John was saying. John had begun to feel like his feelings were abnormal. Dr. Myler had been quick to assure John that yes, his feelings, his response to what had happened to him was normal and he could recover from it. Now, John felt like he was embellishing his feelings and shouldn't feel so disoriented at this point in the game. So he had began to tell the new therapist that he was starting to feel at ease at work, and was opening up to his family and friends. And Dr. Felzman was more attentive to this news and assured John that yes, he was making good progress-yes indeed. So John had begun to slip back into the depression that had consumed him for so long.   
  
A seagull's sharp cry brought John's attention back to the present. He slowly eased himself off of the bench and settled into a comfortable position on the grass. He held out his hand and spoke, "Hi. I'm John. It's nice to meet you."  
  
The woman with the green eyes and strawberry blond hair took his hand gently in hers. "Kaylie. It's nice to meet you too John." She smiled warmly at him and he trusted her completely in that moment.   
  
John told Kaylie everything he had gone through in the past year, the past several years actually. He talked and Kaylie listened until the sun had set and the park lamps had slowly glowed brighter and brighter. Kaylie listened attentively, not asking any questions or stopping John for clarifications. She could tell he needed to talk and she let him. She was glad that it had grown dark and he couldn't see the tears form in her eyes at some parts of his tale, and the fury that bristled the hairs on her neck at other parts. Kaylie had taken his hand while he was talking about an old love who had scorned him, and had forgotten she was holding it until he began to talk about being attacked by a patient in the hospital where he worked. She realised that she was squeezing his hand until her own hand was white and sore. But he never complained. He just kept talking. She loosed her grip on his hand and sat shocked by the death of his med student, his long and painful recovery from his own injuries, his overwhelming guilt, and finally his drug addiction. How much could one person withstand? Kaylie was no longer surprised by his haggard appearance or the fact that he had been crying in the middle of a public park. Her heart went out to him, yet she continued to sit quietly and listen.   
  
John finished talking and sat quietly, watching Kaylie. Even in the darkness that had surrounded them, he could see that her eyes were rimmed with red and her face was flush. John began to feel uncomfortable by this new silence.  
  
"You don't have to feel sorry for me. I wasn't looking for pity." John said, instantly regreting the comment when Kaylie's head sharply turned to look at him.  
  
"It's not pity John. It's anger. I'm angry that you should have gone through all of that. It's not right. No one should ever have to face life's tragedies and you seem to have had more than your fair share. I can't tell you I understand what you are feeling, because I don't. I haven't gone through what you have. But my heart is burning with anger John, and sorrow. I wish I had the power to go back and change things for you. But I can't, and neither can you. While I am sorry for all that has been taken away from you, I don't pity you. I reserve my pity for those poor unfortunates who don't have what you have. Who don't have a family willing to take them in while they recover, who don't have friends to watch over them day by day. And I especially pity those who can't see to reach out for the help that is right there in front of them, being offered to them. Should I pity you John?"   
  
Kaylie's gaze was intense as she looked John straight in the eye and asked her last question. It was almost a challenge.   
  
John took in a slow, deep breath and thought about what Kaylie had just said. "No," he replied slowly. "You shouldn't pity me. I do have a home to go back to, and friends who are looking out for me. It's just that," he paused.  
  
"It's just what John? They're not saying what you want to hear? They're not acting the way you want them to act? What?"  
  
"I guess all of that. I don't know. It's just not working out the way I thought it would when I came back. I guess I was hoping that I could talk to them without feeling any pressure to think or act a certain way. I have gone through a lot of counseling and I have dealt with a lot of things. But I am not completely over it yet. I'm still working on accepting what has happened. I still have bad days. I'd like to be able to say I'm having a bad day-I dreamt about Lucy last night, or Chase, or whatever! I want to say this without having Dr. Benton think I'm losing it completely, or have Kerry think I need to be babied. I want to be able to say I'm having a good day! I'm feeling good, let's go shoot some hoops or get a drink or catch a bite to eat over at Doc Magoo's after work. But I worry about them all thinking, 'Why is John in such a good mood today? Did he take something? Is he in denial?' I just can't seem to be myself anymore."  
  
Kaylie was silent for a moment, thinking about John's concerns. How could she tell him that it sounded more like he was getting in the way of his own recovery?  
  
"John, I'm going to be really straight forward here. I've listened to you, now listen to me. If you don't like what I'm about to say, then forget about it as soon as you leave here. We'll probably never see each other again so you won't be offending me. But listen to me for now. Okay?"  
  
John tensed, not sure what Kaylie was about to say. But she was right, he didn't have to take her advice. But she had sat and listened to him so he owed it to her to listen to her. John nodded in assent.   
  
"John, it sounds like you want to be trusted, but you aren't willing to give anyone that same trust. You want them to accept you as you are with all that you are feeling. But you aren't accepting them as they are. Have you tried to tell Dr. Benton that you aren't always okay? Have you given Kerry a chance to be your friend and listen to you? Would a little coddling be so bad? At least she cares about you. She doesn't want to see you hurt. You said so yourself, you pushed yourself too hard the first time around. Let Kerry be the one to slow you down this time so you have a chance to heal. Let them know how you are feeling-how you are really feeling. It may take a little bit of time for them, and you, to get used to this new relationship. But at least give them that much curtesy! How can they help you if you don't let them? Don't be a hypocrite John. Don't expect them to be perfect and have all the right answers. But please," Kaylie pleaded with John, her eyes shining, "please let them be your friend."  
  
John sat back, shocked by Kaylie's brutal honesty. Was he being a hypocrit? John wrapped his arms around his legs and leaned his head on his knees. He rocked back and forth while he mulled over Kaylie's words. Finally, he lifted his head and looked Kaylie in the eye.   
  
"Thank you. I really needed to hear that I think. I get so absorbed in feeling sorry for myself that I forget that most of this is in my hands. It's my choice to open up to Kerry or Peter, or Dave or even Deb." He smiled and said, "I guess I am a hypocrite. Thanks for pointing that out to me. Who knew? This whole time I have been feeling sorry for myself, what I really needed was a good, swift kick in the pants!" He laughed softly, relieved that Kaylie was laughing with him.  
  
Kaylie stopped laughing and said in a serious tone, "Don't get me wrong John. I'm not trying to diminish what you feel. You have every right to feel what you do. Just give your friends and yourself a break and talk to them. They'll be relieved and you'll probably feel a whole lot better unburdening yourself. Besides, was it so bad telling me all of this?"  
  
"You're right. I feel a lot better after talking to you. I suppose I wouldn't feel so depressed if I opened up to people and talked about what's bothering me. If I don't let it build up. You're a great listener, you know that? I don't know what I did to deserve such divine intervention like this, but talking to you is exactly what I needed tonight." John smiled warmly at Kaylie, thankful that she had imposed herself on his crying form the way she had.   
  
Kaylie blushed and decided to change the subject. "So what are you going to do now?"  
  
"Well, I think I'm going to get a new therapist. It isn't doing me any good feeling like I have to lie to the one I have now. And, I'm going to try and let my friends in when I'm feeling down or up, or whatever I'm feeling at the time."  
  
Kaylie yawned and stretched. She was suddenly very tired. She looked at her watch and was shocked to see that it was after 2A.M..   
  
"I'm sorry John. I hate to run off on you like this, but it is pretty late and I have to be somewhere at eight tomorrow morning." Kaylie stood up and reached her hand out to John. He took her hand, allowing Kaylie to help him to his feet. Quickly, Kaylie stood on her tiptoes and planted a gentle kiss on John's cheek. John stood awed by the unexpected kiss as Kaylie ran over to her blanket and scooped up her belongings. Running in the direction of a small, green, Toyota Tercel she looked back over her shoulder and called out, "Goodbye John! I hope things get better!"  
  
John stood and watched as the small car backed up and turned towards the park exit. He realised that he didn't he didn't know anything about Kaylie. She had let him talk about himself the entire evening, not once attempting to turn the subject to herself. John thought about Kaylie's comment that they probably wouldn't see each other again, and hoped that wasn't true. He had never felt this comfortable with anyone before. This went beyond trusting a stranger. She was a kindred spirit. John felt like he had known her forever. John was amazed that such a simple, young and beautiful woman was so astute and patient. A thought flickered through John's mind, 'She could be a therapist'. But John was happy that she wasn't a therapist. He was glad to know that there was someone in the world who would put aside everything else to reach out and help a stranger. To help him.   
  
John turned and walked towards his own car. He was beginning to feel tired and was glad that he was able to sleep in the next morning. He wasn't on til six that evening. He felt good though, content. The way he had felt in Atlanta after a group or therapy session. It felt good to have someone listen to you. He vowed he was going to open up to his friends, to his family. No more hiding. No more pity. A smile tugged at his lips as his thoughts turned to the beautiful stranger he had spent the evening with. Would he see Kaylie again? John smiled openly. He would if he had anything to do with it.   



	3. Default Chapter Title

Kaylie waited outside Dr. Higginbotham's office at 8 A.M.. Her stomach was in knots, yet somehow butterflies still managed to wreak their own havoc within her digestive system. She felt nauseous and wondered if she had time to slip into the bathroom before her fate was determined. As if on cue, the large oak door swung open and Kaylie was ushered into an expansive office. Dr. Higginbotham, her friend and colleague wore a somber expression as he shook her hand. He attempted a comforting smile, but the affect was awkward. Even with thirty seven years of counseling experience under his belt, he couldn't hide his evident worry.   
  
"Kaylie, please come in and have a seat. You know Dr. Thompson don't you?" He gestured towards a younger man with an even more serious expression on his face. The man rose to take Kaylie's hand.   
  
"Ms. Moore. Thank you for coming. Rather than waste time with small talk, I suggest we get down to business. I have a very tight schedule today." With that, Dr. Thompson reclaimed his seat and turned his attention to Dr. Higginbotham.   
  
Kaylie sat in a brown, leather chair and anxiously crossed her legs. Despite her nervous energy, she managed to refrain from bouncing her foot. She attempted to portray an air of professionalism, but failed miserably as her stomach suddenly chose that moment to remind her that she hadn't had time for breakfast.   
  
Dr. Higginbotham cleared his throat and looked from Kaylie to Dr. Thompson. He felt faint as he thought about the task he was about to undertake. "We are here today, as we all know, to determine whether Kaylie is to remain on staff here at Cook County Mental Health." He paused and glanced at Kaylie, noticing that her feigned bravery was undermined by the death grip she had on the arms of her chair. It dismayed him that his protege should have ever come to be in this position. He sighed and continued.  
  
"Kaylie, we have read both your statement and the statement of your client in regards to this matter. We have also spoken to your client's parents, both of whom are extremely angry by your lack of professional conduct. It is in response to their complaint that we have initiated this investigation. You are aware that your client's parents have made the allegation that you breached both their son's and their own confidentiality?" He waited until Kaylie nodded her head, and then continued. His voice was soft and he looked tenderly at Kaylie like a father looking at his own daughter.   
  
"Kaylie, did you contact Jonathon Mathews' school social worker and disclose privileged information obtained during a closed therapy session with Jonathon?"  
  
Kaylie struggled to keep her voice steady as she answered, "Yes, I did."  
  
Dr. Higginbotham sighed and was about to continue with his line of questioning when Dr. Thompson interrupted.   
  
"Could you tell us please, Ms. Moore, why you felt that it was within your jurisdiction to ignore the law in this matter and breach the rights of your clients?" Dr. Thompson stared icily at Kaylie and she knew he had already determined her guilt.  
  
Kaylie looked down at her hands for a moment and then at Dr. Higginbotham. What she saw on his face tore into her heart-his disappointment was clear. Kaylie quickly turned her gaze onto a painting of a pond with small lily pads and green moss growing over the water. It was a very calming affect, but her nerves were unfazed. In her heart she knew that she had violated her clients' rights and nothing she had to say in her defense could justify that. But she believed that she had done the right thing. She felt courage surge through her veins as she remembered why she had taken such drastic steps.  
  
"Perhaps I am naive, but I believe that I did the right thing in this case. In the five years that I have been employed as a counselor in this center, and the two years prior when I worked on the crisis line, I have never encountered such a situation." Kaylie struggled to find a word to convey that she hadn't lost of all of her professional senses and settled on, "It's a conundrum, a conundrum that I felt elicited and demanded my immediate response." Kaylie inwardly groaned at her poor choice of vocabulary.   
  
Dr. Thompson's voice boomed, interrupting her mental chastising of herself. "A conundrum you say? Was it such a dilemma that you couldn't come to Dr. Higginbotham or any of your colleagues for a consult? What is it that they're teaching now at the University of Chicago since they have obviously stopped teaching ethics and any mention of the laws pertaining to clinical social work? I assume you are a licensed therapist with a masters degree in clinical social work or you would not be employed in this center. So perhaps you can give me a better explanation for your actions, because, forgive me if I am being too blunt, I do not understand!" Kaylie jumped as the man's voice ended as loudly as it had started.   
  
Kaylie could feel her blood begin to boil, she was almost as angry as Dr. Thompson. How dare he treat her as though she were a child in the principal's office receiving a lecture on the rules! She could feel her face emanating heat and her eyes were wide, her lips set in a firm line. Ignoring the warning looks from Dr. Higginbotham, she turned to Dr. Thompson and unleashed her building fury.  
  
"Perhaps if you would allow me to finish, Dr. Thompson, I could better explain myself! I may not have pursued my doctorate straight out of undergraduate studies, such as yourself, as I felt it was necessary to get real life experience dealing with people, counseling people before I settled on a doctorate course. So while my credentials may not be as prestigious as your own, my experience working with this clientele is more extensive and I feel that is just as important. And yes, they are still teaching ethics at the University of Chicago, however, I attended Stanford, so I fail to see the relevance of what is taught here in Chicago."  
  
Dr. Thompson's face flushed deeply as he responded. "Then please, by all means, continue. I am deeply interested in what you could possibly have to say to defend your actions." He gestured with his hand for her to continue.   
  
Kaylie ignored Dr. Thompson's sarcasm and continued, this time calm and more assured of herself. "Jonathon Mathews has been receiving my services for over a year now. He is an advanced child, and has been promoted several grades due to his abilities. As a result, he is a much smaller stature than the other children in his class and has become the focus of a great deal of negative attention. In other words, he is being targeted by several children and is receiving harassment of varying degrees, from derogatory comments, to threatening notes, and graffiti on his locker. He did complain to his teacher who took it upon herself to talk to the children in question. Soon afterwards, he found his pet cat dead in his backyard, its head had been smashed. He was confronted by several of his classmates at school who asked him how his cat was doing, and soon a chalk drawing appeared on the blackboard of a cat with a halo surrounded by clouds. He was terrified. I encouraged him to speak to his guidance counselor or his principal, but he was too afraid. I offered to contact them for him and he agreed to this. However, I needed his parent's permission to exchange this information with the school.   
  
"So I called his parents into one of Jonathon's sessions and explained the situation to them. Mrs. Mathews appeared supportive at first, that is until her husband began to speak. Mr. Mathew's made it very clear that he did not want it advertised that his son was seeing a therapist. He said that he would contact the school and put an end to the harassment and insinuated that his son needed to 'toughen up'. He appeared not to take the situation very seriously. In Jonathon's next session I asked Jonathon if things had gotten better, and he said that nothing had changed. So I called his father and asked if he had contacted the school, and he said he had not and would not. He had enrolled his son instead in karate lessons, saying Jonathon needed to learn to stand up for himself and this was the perfect opportunity. In essence, Mr. Mathews was giving Jonathon the message that he was at fault for the harassment because he was not brave. This is not just a mere observation either.   
  
"Several weeks later, Jonathon told me that he felt like dying. I asked why, and he said it was because he was weak and didn't deserve to live. He said his father deserved a son he could be proud of. Of course I called his parents back into my office and confronted them on this situation. Mr. Mathews was again adamant that he handle the situation and prohibited me from contacting the school about the harassment.   
  
"But I was within the law to contact the school social worker in regards to Jonathon's confession of suicidal thoughts. In order to clearly present the situation, I felt I had to share the information about the harassment as this was the igniter. In turn I also shared my concerns that Jonathon's needs were being neglected by his parents. I had informed them of Jonathon's suicidal thoughts, and they ignored my suggestions for treatment. In my mind, that is neglect. The school social worker agreed with me and assured me she would be contacting Cook County Social Services.   
  
"I have since been contacted by a county social worker and have shared my allegations. The Mathews were investigated for child neglect, and unfortunately have since been cleared of all charges. They have removed their son from his previous school and have enrolled him in a private school. As you know, they have discontinued my services. I believe that this is their attempt to shift the focus off of themselves. And I see that it has worked quite well."   
  
Kaylie finished and sat back, exhausted. It was out of her hands now. Dr. Thompson was outraged by what he had just heard, and turned to Dr. Higginbotham. "Give me the Mathews file."  
  
Dr. Higginbotham handed a rather large file to the seething man, a look of surprise on his face. He addressed Dr. Thompson. "It's not there, is it Fred?" Dr. Thompson flipped through the pages searching for something. Finally he looked up.  
  
"No, it's not." His voice was quiet. Kaylie was confused, what wasn't there? What were the two men talking about?  
  
Dr. Thompson turned to Kaylie. "We, I, owe you an apology. You have shed light on many fine details that the Mathews chose to leave out of their complaint. If what you say is true, you would have been violating the law by not contacting the school and social services. As mandatory reporters in Cook County, we are sworn to report all suspicions of child abuse or neglect, as well as in cases where the child may be a danger to himself or others. I will need to see your case notes as well as contact the social workers both at the county and at the school to confirm what you say. But I am confident that this will all work out." He rose from his chair and began to gather his things.   
  
"Is that it? Do I still have a job?" Kaylie questioned.  
  
"Yes, you still have a job. However, you will remain on suspension until I have checked these details." Dr. Thompson paused, "One other thing. While you may have a leg up on me in terms of dealing directly with the clients, let me remind you that I am your superior and it would serve you well to remember that." With that, he turned and strode out of the office.   
  
Kaylie's face broke into a large grin as she turned to face Dr. Higginbotham. He got out of his chair and came around the desk. He pulled her into a bear hug. Finally, he released her and said, "I am so proud of you Kaylie! You stood by your beliefs and you were right. I guess I'm just an old fool to have believed otherwise. I owe you more than to believe the Mathews story without giving you the chance to defend yourself. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?"  
  
Kaylie hugged Dr. Higginbotham again and said, "Of course I can forgive you. I was so angry when you first approached me with these allegations that I didn't even try to tell my side of it. I'm sorry for walking out on that conversation. I guess I almost ruined my own career because of my temper."  
  
Dr. Higginbotham reached out and stroked Kaylie's hair. "I guess we're lucky you're not a full blown red head like your mother! She would have torn Thompson to pieces had she been here." They both laughed at the memory of her mother's own fiery temper.   
  
"Your mother would be so proud of you right now Kaylie. She raised you right. 'Stand firm by your beliefs and faith and all will be well', she used to say." Dr. Higginbotham smiled as he thought of Kaylie's mother, his best friend. It had devastated him when she died, but he had stayed strong, for Kaylie's sake.  
  
Kaylie smiled warmly at Dr. Higginbotham. "Oh, I think you may have had a hand in how I turned out. When daddy died, you stepped in and let me know I would never be alone. There has been no truer a godfather than you. You were such a good friend to my parents, and then to me. You're all that I have left. Thank you." Tears began to form in her eyes. She loved this man as a father and he could never let her down.   
  
"Why don't we go celebrate? I think it's getting a little too serious in here. What do you say? Lunch at the top of the John Hancock?" He held out his hand to Kaylie.   
  
"Lunch sounds great Uncle Charlie." Kaylie reached out and took the hand of the only father she knew and let him lead the way out of the office. Things were definitely starting to look up.  
  
*********  
  
Kaylie returned to her duties as a therapist in the children's unit at the Cook County Mental Health Center and soon her life began to regain some semblance of normalcy. She hadn't thought about the man she had met on the lake shore since that night. She hadn't even been back to the lake. She was busy moving (she had let her lease expire while expecting to lose her job and had anticipated finding a cheaper place). Her mind had been consumed by the relief of having a job and by concern for Jonathon Mathews. He may be off her case load, but he wasn't out of her mind. She was worried about him--afraid for him actually. Was he receiving any help? Did the new school know about his previous problems or his mental health status?   
  
Her fears were confirmed by a phone call from the social services intake worker. The worker's questions had un-nerved her. Had she been Jonathon Mathews' therapist? Had she been the one to report suspicions of child neglect on the parts of the Mathews parents? Could she come to social services to talk one on one regarding Jonathon Mathews? A court order had been served releasing all information she knew about the family to social services.   
  
Kaylie met with the intake worker and learned that Jonathon Mathews had been admitted to Cook County Hospital after an apparent suicide attempt. Custody of Jonathon Mathews had been taken by Cook County after learning his parents had waited over five hours to bring him into the hospital after Jonathon had told them he was going to kill himself, and had even told them how he was going to do it. They had only called for an ambulance after finding him locked in the bathroom overdosed on Tylenol. They couldn't even say how long it had been since he had taken the pills as they hadn't checked on him since his threat.   
  
After explaining the situation, the intake social worker asked Kaylie to go to Cook County Hospital and consult with Jonathon's psychiatrist. Kaylie asked for permission to see Jonathon and was given it, granted his psychiatrist there okayed the visit. Kaylie was given permission to talk to the staff in the ER where Jonathon had first been seen to gather any details that may have been overlooked. Kaylie returned to the Mental Health Center and gathered her file on Jonathon Mathews. Her nerves were in a frenzy and she forced herself to calm down before leaving for the hospital.  
  
Kaylie was angry at herself for allowing this to happen to Jonathon, even though there was nothing she could have possibly done to prevent what had occurred. She blamed the county for dropping the case when she had first reported her concerns. But with the overload in the juvenile justice system, there just was not enough evidence to warrant the court's time and the case had been dismissed, along with countless others. Kaylie angrily wondered how many other children came through the doors of the ER in similar situations.   
  
Sighing deeply, Kaylie walked into the Cook County ER. Glancing around the crowded waiting area, she pushed her way to the reception desk. "Excuse me." Kaylie addressed whom she assumed was the receptionist, although from her very casual attire-a black mini skirt and a halter top, and her unusual attention to painting her finger nails, she wasn't sure.   
  
"Excuse me!" Kaylie repeated, this time louder.   
  
"I'm sorry, all the docs are busy. Just fill this out and have a seat in chairs and someone will see you shortly." The receptionist didn't even look up at her, let alone assess whether or not she had any life threatening injuries. 'This is ridiculous' she thought.   
  
"If you could stop painting your nails for one second and give me a moment of your precious time, I'll explain what I need. I am not a patient. I need to see one of the doctors who treated an overdose patient this morning. Do you think you could manage to do that for me?"  
  
Without looking up, the receptionist mumbled, "Yeah, sure. Just a minute and I'll get right on that." And she went back to painting her nails.   
  
Kaylie was growing angrier by the second, and was fed up this excuse for a desk clerk. She spotted who appeared to be a doctor come limping out of an exam room leaning heavily on a crutch. Kaylie hurried over to her.  
  
"Are you a doctor? God, please tell me your a doctor before I go out of my mind. That receptionist over there is completely useless and this is an emergency." Kaylie pleaded with the short red headed doctor in front of her.   
  
"Yes, I'm a doctor." The red headed doctor waved at a black male who Kaylie assumed was a nurse. "Malik, I need a gurney over here stat!" She turned to Kaylie.  
  
"Are you the patient or did you bring someone in?" the doctor asked.  
  
"Oh no," Kaylie gushed. "It's not that type of emergency."  
  
The nurse with the gurney turned to the doctor. "Dr. Weaver? Do you still need me?"  
  
Kerry answered, "No, thank you Malik. I can handle this from here." She turned to Kaylie. "Look, it's very busy here and there are a lot of real patients to see. I hope this is important."  
  
Kaylie looked relieved. "It is. Thank you. I'm Kaylie Moore. I'm a therapist at the Cook County Mental Health Center. I was called by social services to look into a suicide attempt that was brought in this morning. It was a teenage boy, twelve years old. I had been his therapist for some time and need to consult with the doctors who treated him before I talk to the psychiatrist upstairs."  
  
"Yes, I did receive a phone call after the boy was admitted from social services and was told to expect you. Why don't we go in here where we can have a little more privacy." Kerry pushed open the door to the lounge. "I'll be right back. I'll track down the doctor who treated the boy and we'll be right in."  
  
Kerry limped over to the reception desk. "Randi! If you don't put that nail polish away right now and get these patients registered. . ." For once Kerry's voice faltered. She could think of nothing she could do to Randi aside from firing her, and the thought of another new desk clerk made her cringe. "Just get Dr. Carter down here and tell him to come to the lounge-stat!" With that she hobbled back to the lounge.   
  
Kerry was on the phone with psych informing them to expect Kaylie there shortly when the door swung open. John Carter stepped into the room, "Dr. Weaver, you had me. . .." He was about to say "paged" when he caught sight of Kaylie. He was ecstatic at first, he hadn't been able to stop thinking about the woman at the lake who had there when he needed someone to listen. But then he began to wonder why she was here. Had she been telling Kerry about their conversation? She wouldn't betray him like that, would she? Too much time had passed for him to believe she was here to talk about him. So why was she here?  
  
"John." Kaylie said, suddenly feeling very nervous and shy. She hadn't expected to ever see him again, let alone meet him in his work place. She wasn't sure what to say to him. She felt like she had just broken some sacred confidence by being here. But she was happy to see him, and he looked much better than he had that night on the shore.   
  
"How are you?" Kaylie managed to ask.  
  
"Fine. How are you?" John asked in return, suddenly feeling very shy and vulnerable himself. He had told Kaylie many things which were now entering his mind and making him blush. Kerry stood and watched the exchange with bewilderment. The two appeared to know each other, and for a moment seemed very happy to see each other. Now they both stood nervously waiting for someone to speak.  
  
"You two know each other?" Kerry finally asked.  
  
"Um, no, yeah, kind of." Was John's reply. "We met once and talked, but I didn't really expect to run into Kaylie again." He paused and then redirected his attention to Kaylie. "It's good to see you again."  
  
Kaylie just smiled awkwardly. She had never told John that she was a therapist. She knew that this could turn into a very awkward situation. She had listened to John as a friend, not a therapist, but there was no way to tell how he might take the news of her profession. She hadn't exactly tried to tell him what she did for a living. Her training had been useful that night though and she had helped John to see how he was hurting himself by turning away his friends.   
  
Kerry knew that neither of her companions were going to talk, so she began. "John, Ms. Moore is a therapist at the Cook County Mental Health Center. I don't know if you know that." She paused and John didn't say anything. "Ms. Moore has been treating Jonathon Mathews, the twelve year old overdose you treated this morning. She needs all the information you can give her and then she will be going upstairs to consult with the psychiatrist assigned to him."  
  
John cleared his throat. Despite his growing confusion, he focused on the issue at hand. He gave Kaylie all the information he had, both about the boy and his parents. He told Kaylie when the boy was brought in, what he had taken, and how his parents were reacting. Their indifferent attitudes had reminded him of his own parents and their reaction-or lack of a reaction, to his stabbing. He had been the one to contact social services upon finding out that the parents could not pinpoint the time of the overdose, and that they had known he was suicidal and had failed to check on him. They claimed they thought he was being dramatic to get a rise out of them. It had been all he could do to refrain from hitting the boy's father who had stood by the boy when he regained consciousness and told him he was a coward for not standing up to his problems.   
  
After he had finished giving Kaylie all the information he knew, he excused himself and quickly exited the room. He felt like such a fool. No wonder Kaylie had been so eager to listen to him that night. It was what she was trained to do. He had believed that she was truly concerned for him and wanted to help him. But he knew that wasn't true. He felt betrayed by a woman who he obviously knew nothing about. What was he thinking even opening up to a stranger like that? He should have known better than to believe that a stranger would want to help him out of the kindness of their own hearts-that he was even worth that much effort.   
  
Despite this rush of negative feelings, he couldn't help but remember how much his life had improved after that night. He had taken her advice and made it a point to talk to the people who cared about him. He still had moments when he felt depressed and wanted to be alone and sulk. But they were fewer and far between. He was so confused by all the opposing thoughts in his head. He went up to the desk.  
  
"Randi, I'm going up to the roof. Page me if I'm needed." He quickly strode away and got onto an elevator.   
  
Kerry and Kaylie came out of the lounge and shook hands. Kaylie turned towards the elevators and Kerry looked around for John. He was no where in sight. She went up to Randi.  
  
"Randi, did you see where Dr. Carter went? I need to talk to him."  
  
"Sure, he said he was going up to the roof. Did you want me to page him?" Randi asked, not looking up from a Cosmopolitan magazine.   
  
"No, that's fine. I'll be on the roof if I'm needed." Kerry walked off and Randi glanced up from her magazine.   
  
"Whatever." She mumbled.  
  
Kerry entered the elevator and leaned against the wall. The tension in the room had almost been unbearable. It was obvious that John had been caught off guard and his quick exit only proved to her that she needed to be worried. And the fact that he went to the roof only accentuated her worry. She hoped that he would open up to her and explain how he knew Kaylie.   
  
Kerry got off the elevator at the roof and saw John looking over the city. His hands were in his pockets and he appeared to be deep in thought.   
  
"A penny for your thoughts." Kerry said, approaching her friend.  
  
John turned towards Kerry. He knew from the determined look on her face that she wasn't going to let him off the hook.   
  
"You want to know what that was all about, right? How I know her?" Kerry nodded. "It's a long story Kerry, we might as well get comfortable." He spread out his jacket on the ground and motioned for Kerry to join him. After a few minutes of getting settled, John began his story.  
  
Downstairs, Kaylie was waiting for her consult with the psychiatrist before seeing Jonathon. For the first time since the call from social services, her mind was not on Jonathon. She was thinking about John. Seeing him again brought a flood of emotions that surprised her. She knew she had felt attracted to him, but seeing him again made her think it was more than that. She felt like she had known him for ages, and had just broken his heart. She felt terrible, not because she was a therapist and had not told him, but because John had found out this way. She wanted to explain to him-she had not reached out because of a sense of duty but because it was in her nature to help others. She had not listened because she had to but because she wanted to. She could see that he was doing well and she would like to talk to him and find out what has happened since their night on the shore. She made up her mind to go back down to the ER and see him before she left.   
  
"Ms. Moore." A nurse called out her name. Right now she had to think about Jonathon. The rest would have to wait. She pushed John out of her mind and followed the nurse through heavy doors marked, 'Psychiatry-Child and Adolescent Unit'.   



	4. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: er/ characters property of nbc, warner, constant c, amblin, etc. the only profit I receive is the wonderful feedback from the readers.  
  
SPOILERS: most of season 6  
  
Lost Souls IV  
By Victoria  
  
The slowly setting sun cast a warm glow over John as he thought about how much of his encounter with Kaylie he wanted to share with Kerry. Over the last few weeks, his friendship with Kerry had been revived and they had spent countless hours sharing stories and confiding their worries to one another. Despite this new bond, he hadn't been able to tell Kerry about that night on the lake shore. That night had been special, and John had come to believe that God had sent him an angel to lead him out of his misery. He had gone back to that shore night after night hoping to see Kaylie again, but was disappointed each time. He had finally accepted that he would never again see the fair skinned beauty with the soul piercing green eyes. He regretted that he had let her slip away without telling him as much as her last name.   
  
John glanced over at Kerry who was waiting patiently for John to tell his story. He was comforted by her mere presence. There had been a time when John would have pushed her away, but he had come to realize that Kerry was the best friend that he had, and he didn't want to lose that. He took a deep breath and inhaled the dwindling scent of summer. The air was cool around them and John lifted his face to the breeze.  
  
"I can't believe summer's over. I feel like I missed it somehow." John sighed and looked over at Kerry.  
  
Kerry was relieved that John had finally spoken, although she would have preferred that it had been about Kaylie instead of the season's change.   
  
"It's been a long summer John. I'm glad it's over. I'm glad you're home." She peered at John and was happy to see him smile.   
  
She had spent the summer worrying about him and wondering how he was. She hadn't heard from him very often while he was in Atlanta, and was relieved every time she got a phone call or letter from him. He never talked about much, just called to say he was doing okay, not to worry. But she did worry. Until she could see John and hear him tell her that he was really okay and that he was letting the therapists at the rehab center help him, she wouldn't believe it. It had been a shock to learn that John was abusing his pain medications and had stolen drugs from the ER. She felt like she had failed him somehow. Let him slip by, accepting his platitudes that he was fine. When he wasn't fine, when he had almost destroyed himself.   
  
When John had returned from Atlanta Kerry found herself doting on him like a mother hen. But she couldn't help herself-she wasn't going to allow John to slip away again. She had hoped that he would be more open and come to her when he needed to talk. Instead, he had seemed to avoid her. She invited him to grab a bite at Doc Magoos and he would turn her down, claiming to have a patient he needed to see or that he was in a rush because his grandmother was holding dinner for him. She even went as far as inviting him to her house for a game of Parcheesi and a video. He turned her down each time, yet she kept offering, hoping one day he would finally take her up on her offers.   
  
Finally, Kerry had invited him to attend a concert on Navy Pier, and was in the process of apologizing for asking when she realized that he had accepted her offer. She had looked at him, bewildered. He had laughed quietly at her look of shock and asked what time they should meet. They'd had a great time. Sharing an odd taste in music, they'd both relaxed and were overwhelmed by something that had been missing for a long time. Each had forgotten how much the other meant to them. It was as if their friendship had been packed away in the moving boxes when John moved out of Kerry's apartment.   
  
She never asked John what had changed for him. But something had happened. He was happier and joined in the playful teasing and ribbing that was a common occurrence at the admit desk and in the lounge. It was hard to ignore the change, but no one, including Kerry, dared ask what happened to elicit this change. They were all content to have their friend back, and in good spirits. It was an unspoken pledge to leave well enough alone. They had come to expect their friend and coworker to excuse himself from a trauma when his back was strained, or to pull one of them aside when feelings of despair washed over him from time to time. Kerry had been praying for John since February and had begun to feel like God truly had turned a blind eye in John Carter's direction. John's sudden surge of energy and renewed spirit made Kerry believe that he had experienced some sort of miracle. That God had finally noticed his lost son and embraced him.   
  
Kerry stretched out her legs in front of her and leaned forward, almost touching her toes. She was getting cramped sitting on the hard ground and silently urged John to speak. Tired of waiting, Kerry finally asked;  
  
"John, how do you know Kaylie Moore?"  
  
John turned to Kerry. "Kerry, first, I want to apologize for how I treated you when I came back from Atlanta. I knew that you were worried about me and went out of your way to be available to me. I treated you like crap. Pure and simple." John paused and looked down. "While you were going out of your way to be nice to me, I was going out of my way to hide from you. But I think you probably knew that. I wasn't exactly subtle. But it wasn't just you. I hid from Benton too.   
  
"Three months in a rehab center only gets you so far. I was clean and wasn't about to try such a stupid stunt as abusing painkillers or any other drug again. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, I guess I wasn't thinking. But I didn't have much else to do but think in Atlanta. I thought about Chase, and how his life is over because of drugs. I thought about Valentine's day, and Lucy. I thought about Paul Sobriki and I thought about Dr. John Carter. I thought, one of us has got to survive this. One of us has got to redeem what happened. I was spared and I thought long and hard about that. I could have died as easily as Lucy. But I didn't.   
  
"I thought about Gamma, my parents, my brother and sister. I thought about why I became a doctor instead of staying in the family business. I thought about why I left surgery for the ER. I thought, and then I thought some more. Finally, I felt like I was about to burst and I began to talk. I talked in groups, with the counselor, with the other clients. And it felt good! It was like a dam had burst and months of pressure had been relieved. I realized I liked talking. It felt good. Like taking a breath after holding it for so long your face was blue and the world was spinning.   
  
"I was asking questions and I was getting answers. Of course there are no answers to some questions, like 'why did Lucy die and I lived?' But questions like, 'where do I go from here?' had answers. Lots of answers. And it was up to me to decide which was the correct answer. But I wasn't afraid to make those decisions any more. I was challenged and looked forward to the challenge. I felt empowered. For the first time I felt like I would get past everything that happened. I knew it was still there and was reminded of it everyday, but I wasn't afraid of it anymore. I felt like I had the strength to face it and go on living."  
  
John stopped talking and looked at Kerry, his eyes wide. "I felt like a whole person again Kerry. Do you know how long it had been since I felt like my life was worth living? I was excited about coming back here, to Chicago, to the hospital. Do you know how long that feeling lasted when I got here? Exactly one minute. That's about how long it took me to get off the airplane. I stepped out into the terminal and the fear hit me like that." John snapped his fingers vehemently.   
  
"There was Gamma standing there waiting for me and I still felt alone. I realized that the support system I had built in Atlanta was gone. I tried talking to Gamma about how I felt, but I didn't think she would understand. I was still ashamed that I had even turned to drugs after what happened to Chase and I could see the disappointment in her eyes. When I went back to work, I felt so much pressure to either fall apart or to be cured of all that ailed me. I didn't want to do or be either. I just wanted to be me. I was shutting down again and couldn't seem to stop it. That black cloud of depression that had been following me around was back, and at the time it was the only familiar thing in my life. It was almost comforting.   
  
"Do you remember when you invited me to come over and play some game and watch a video?" Kerry nodded and John continued. "I told you I was busy, like I always did. I wasn't busy. I was afraid. Kerry I was so depressed that day I was thinking of ending it all. I knew that if I spent any time with you I would end up breaking down. At the time, I thought that meant admitting that I had failed. I didn't go home that night, at least not right away. I walked until I couldn't walk any more. My back was screaming in pain and I just couldn't go on. I sat down in some park by the lake. It was a small solace to my black day. As soon as I sat down, I felt like the world came crashing down on my head. I couldn't breath, I couldn't even see straight. I started crying, not just crying, bawling like a baby. I couldn't stop. I asked the Lord to take me right then and there. I didn't care how He did it. An out of control car, freak bolt of lightning, heart attack. Anything.   
  
"But that didn't happen. Instead, I heard a voice. A gentle voice asking if I were okay. I looked up and there was an angel kneeling beside me. She had beautiful red hair and the greenest eyes. But then I realized that it wasn't an angel. It was Kaylie." John stopped telling his story and looked again at Kerry. She had tears in her eyes and reached her arms out to John. He let her embrace him, comforted by her touch. She was a good friend and he was glad that he was finally able to share this with her.   
  
"I'm so sorry John. I wish I could have helped you." Kerry said softly into his ear.   
  
John pulled back and looked at Kerry. "That's just it Kerry. I wouldn't let you. You tried. You have been such a good friend to me. I know how much you care about me and I will love you forever for that Kerry. You are my best friend." John held onto Kerry's hand as he made this confession.   
  
Kerry smiled at John, deeply touched by his words. "John, I will always be here for you. And I hope you'll be here for me. After all, you are my best friend too you know." She laughed as a blush spread across John's cheeks.   
  
"Tell me more about what happened with Kaylie. You said you too talked." Kerry prompted John to continue.   
  
"Well, to put it simply, she offered to listen. She was so sincere. Her eyes were gentle and honest. I trusted her on the spot. I didn't know anything about her. She told me her first name and that was all. I needed someone to talk to so badly right then. She didn't need to do much convincing. I told her everything that has happened since February, and then some. She never interrupted. She just let me talk. It was as if she knew exactly what I needed right then. She sat and listened to me for hours Kerry. When I was done talking she didn't try to compare stories or tell me how everything would be okay. But she did make me think. Why did I turn away from all of my friends? What was I doing to help myself? I guess what got to me the most was when she asked me if she needed to pity me. She had said that the only people she pitied were those who had friends and family there for them and they were too blind or stubborn to turn to them. I realized that I was doing just that. Pushing everyone away.   
  
"I decided that I don't want to be pitied. It was time for me to let others be there for me. I expected everyone else to be the perfect friends with the perfect words for me. I wasn't giving any of you a chance. I didn't want to be perfect, and yet I expected you all to be. I wasn't being a very good friend.   
  
"Anyway, it was late and she remembered that she had somewhere to be early the next morning. She grabbed her things and ran to her car. But that wasn't until after she kissed me on the cheek. Kerry, I can still feel that kiss lingering on my cheek. After that night, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I went back to the lake everyday hoping to see her there. But she was never there. I finally accepted that I would never see her again. But that was okay, because something wonderful came out of that meeting. I turned my life around. I finally let you and everyone else back into my life. She had given me such a wonderful gift-my life."  
  
John stopped talking. His expression darkened. "When I walked into the lounge today and saw her there, I was so happy. I couldn't believe that she was there, she was real. But when you said she was a therapist, well, I felt betrayed. I know that sounds stupid, but I thought she had been there, comforting me out of some sort of compassion little known by human beings. But now I feel like she was acting out of some sort of moral therapist code or something. Maybe she didn't really want to sit there and listen to me for so long. I don't know. Kerry, be honest, am I being an ass?"  
  
Kerry was silent for a moment, thinking about all of this. Part of her thought John was being unreasonable about this-as far as she knew it wasn't in a therapist's job description to give out free therapy sessions to every Tom, Dick and Harry who happened to be depressed. But she could understand how John would feel betrayed-Kaylie hadn't told him what she did for a living. He may have turned down her request to listen if she had been honest. But in her heart she knew that John should at least talk to Kaylie and give her a chance to explain. She spoke.  
  
"John. When a beautiful woman comes up to you and gives you her undivided attention for over five hours-believe me, it is not out of a sense of obligation. Something drew her to you John and something made you trust her enough to open up to her. I don't know what that something is, but I have a feeling it's special enough for you to give her a chance to explain herself. Yes, she is a therapist, but isn't she also a person? Maybe it was the "person" Kaylie who came to you that night and comforted you, not the "therapist". Why don't you talk to her and find out just who it was that you shared your soul with that night John? And while you're at it, maybe you could thank her." Kerry smiled at John. He could be so naive sometimes. Didn't he realize that what he experienced was called love? Maybe not the romantic kind, but love all the same.  
  
John looked at his friend and thought for a moment that she seemed wiser than her years should allow. If only the other staff down in the ER could know Kerry like this, he thought sadly. She was truly a good person. Suddenly he stood and grabbed Kerry by the hand, pulling her to her feet. He wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace.  
  
"Thank you Kerry. I owe you one." He stepped back and Kerry could see the large smile spreading across his face.  
  
"I take it this means you're going to go and find Kaylie and talk to her?" Kerry asked, a mischievous twinkle in her eye.   
  
"You got it!" John answered laughing.  
  
John picked up his jacket and held out his arm to Kerry. Together they walked slowly back to the elevator.  



	5. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: er/ characters are property of nbc, warner, amblin, constant c, etc. Written for entertainment purposes only.   
  
Lost Souls V  
By: Victoria  
  
Kaylie looked down at Jonathon Mathews' as he lay asleep, his body exhausted from the ordeal he had put it through that morning. His face was peaceful and Kaylie was saddened to think about what it had taken for Jonathon to finally find peace. Kaylie had just finished consulting with the head psychiatrist in the unit and had asked to see Jonathon. Kaylie wondered if he knew that no charges were going to be brought against his parents, or if he knew that he would be taken to a boy's group home when he was released from the hospital. She doubted that he would look so relaxed if he knew any of this.   
  
Jonathon stirred on the bed and slowly opened his eyes. A grin spread across his face as he focused on Kaylie. "Kaylie!"  
  
"Hi Jonathon. How are you feeling?" Kaylie asked with concern.  
  
"I'm tired and feel kind of sick to my stomach. Dr. Paulson said I would feel kind of sick for a little while because of all the Tylenol I took." Jonathon paused and looked at Kaylie, his face drooping. "They made me eat charcoal. I was so sick and my head hurt so bad. I am never going to do that again! It was so dumb!" Jonathon was quiet for a minute, than he spoke again. "I hate my parents." Jonathon looked at Kaylie to see her reaction.  
  
Kaylie reached over to Jonathon and smoothed his hair with her hand. "I'm sure you're very angry with them. I think you're all going to need some time to absorb what happened today-what's been happening."  
  
"I'm going to a group home." Jonathon interrupted.   
  
"How do you feel about that?" Kaylie asked.  
  
"Okay. If it means I don't have to go home, than I'll go. I hope I don't ever have to go home again!"  
  
Kaylie sighed again. "A group home is only temporary Jonathon. It's so you and your parents can have some time to work on some things-like talking to each other."  
  
"They'll never listen to me. If I have to go home again I'll just do something worse! I'm never going home! Not with them." Jonathon was getting upset so Kaylie decided to change the subject a bit.   
  
"Halloween's coming up. Are you excited?"  
  
Jonathon smiled and replied, "Oh yeah! I'm going as a digimon! Digimon's rule!"  
  
Kaylie smiled and wondered how a twelve year old as smart as Jonathon was could be so immature at the same time. Digimon was definitely not the typical twelve year olds character of choice. Just then the door opened and Dr. Paulson, the psychiatrist she had met with earlier, entered.  
  
"Jonathon. I'm glad you're awake. I need to go over some things with you." He turned to Kaylie. "Ms. Moore, I'm sorry to bring an end to your visit but I have to go over some of our rules here, now that Jonathon is awake and coherent."  
  
"Of course, I understand. Jonathon, I'll check on you later, okay?" She smiled as Jonathon waved at her. She stepped out of the room and closed the door. She wasn't surprised at the outcome of all that had happened. It disappointed her a little that Jonathon was going to a group home instead of into a foster home, but she knew foster homes were a rarity. Kaylie hoped that Jonathon's parents would cooperate with family counseling and could begin to empathize with Jonathon's special needs. In her heart, she knew that Jonathon's battle was just beginning.   
  
Kaylie leaned against the wall, suddenly overwhelmed by everything that had occurred that day. The call from the social worker, the news about Jonathon, the consultation with the psychiatrist, and of course, coming face to face with John. 'Oh God,' she thought. 'I don't have the strength to talk to him. I am so tired!' Kaylie knew she could just walk out and never see John again, or she could go downstairs and attempt to talk to him. She just didn't know if she could do it now. The thought of crawling home to her warm apartment and curling up with a book was beginning to sound very appealing. Maybe she would have the strength and the courage to talk to John tomorrow, or next week, or. . ..  
  
Downstairs, John had just put his coat away and turned to Kerry. "Okay. I'm going upstairs. I am doing the right thing, aren't I?" His eyes pleaded with Kerry to just tell him to go home, forget about it, move on with his life as if Kaylie hadn't just walked into it. Kerry looked at John and could see that his courage was beginning to falter.  
  
"John, go! And that's an order. I don't want to see you back down here until you've talked to her. Got it?" John looked at Kerry and could tell she meant business. Better not to cross her. He smiled as sweetly as he could and backed out the door. He could hear her calling after him as he walked down the hall. "Don't come back until you see her!"  
  
Dave Malucci watched as John got on an elevator laughing. Curious, he walked into the lounge to ask the chief who John was going to see.   
  
Nervously, he cleared his throat. "Um, chief, I was just wondering where John's going? We've got a pretty big trauma coming in. We might need him." Dave knew that it was a lame attempt to get info, but he was curious to know who the "she" was that John was going to see.   
  
Rather than give Dave any real information, Kerry decided to string him along a bit. "Oh, he's just going up to pysch to talk to a therapist up there. He'll be back down soon. We can page him if we need him for the incoming." She looked at Dave sharply. "Any other questions?"   
  
"Uh, no. Thanks chief." Dave scurried out of the lounge, afraid of inviting the chief's wrath which she was so fond of showering him with. Dave thought of John and his obvious attempt at feigning happiness when he got on the elevator. 'A therapist huh? Poor guy, he must be trying real hard to cover up whatever he's going through.' Dave knew that John's therapist didn't work at County, so he must be feeling extremely depressed if he was going up to psych to see someone. Dave sighed, and decided to check on John later. Before returning to his own work, he casually stopped by the nurses station.  
  
"Hey Chuny." He beckoned her over with a nod of his head. "Keep an eye on John when he comes back down okay? He just went up to psych."   
  
Chuny looked at Dave suddenly concerned. "Is he okay?"  
  
"Yeah, he's okay. But you know, to be on the safe side." He smiled at Chuny as he walked away.   
  
Chuny hurried over to Haleh. "Dr. Carter just went up to psych. Malucci thinks we need to be concerned. Keep an eye on him, okay?"  
  
Haleh nodded. "You know, he did treat a young overdose patient earlier. He was ready to tear the kid's father's head off. Must have reminded him of his own father, the insensitive bastard. The kid's father told the kid to toughen up! Can you believe that? Not, 'I'm here for you', or 'How are you?' But 'toughen up'. What a bastard. Poor Carter. Of course I'll keep an eye on him." The nurses clasped hands in an unspoken pact to keep a watch over John Carter and returned to their work.   
  
John took a deep breath as the elevator doors opened onto the psychiatric floor and stepped out. He glanced down the hall to the left and then to the right. Kaylie could be anywhere. He headed towards the Child and Adolescent Unit. Turning left down a hallway, he approached the CAU. He walked up to the nurses station.   
  
"Hi. I'm Dr. Carter. I work in down in the ER. I'm looking for Kaylie Moore. She's here to consult on Jonathon Mathews."  
  
The nurse at the desk eyed John suspiciously for a moment. "Let me check and see if she is still with the doctor. If you'll just have a seat." She nodded towards a row of chairs near the entrance to the CAU. John sat and leaned forward nervously. 'Come on John. You've come this far.' What he really wanted was to turn around, go back down to the ER, and find somewhere to hide until Kaylie left the building.   
  
"Dr. Carter!" John looked up to see the nurse beckoning for him. The nurse had seen John's name on the admit form for Jonathon Mathews and relaxed a bit. She smiled at him as she said, "Ms. Moore is still in the unit as far as I can tell. Go ahead and go in, I'm sure you'll run into her."   
  
John entered the unit and turned the corner, spotting Kaylie immediately. She was leaning against the wall outside a patient's room, her red hair falling gently in front of her face. She looked exhausted. John quietly walked up to her and touched her arm. Startled, Kaylie jumped and looked up. Her green eyes made contact with John's brown eyes, and both stood awkwardly, at a loss for words.   
  
Finally, John spoke. "I'm sorry for leaving like that downstairs. I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. With Kerry standing there and everything. . .." His voice trailed off, he knew he sounded stupid-it was a lame excuse for behaving as badly as he did.   
  
Kaylie looked at John, noticing how nervous he was. She didn't blame him for being uncomfortable. She had after all been the one to show up at his work place, even if it was a coincidence. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you worked here. I understand how my showing up out of the blue made you uncomfortable." She paused. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you what I do for a living. Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not. But we can't change what happened. I'm still glad I was there for you."  
  
John smiled. "I'm glad you were there too. Really. It's just that, well, I never expected to see you again. When I saw you downstairs, I was so happy. For a moment, I thought you had come to see me. Then I remembered that I never told you where I worked. And well, Kerry was right there and to be honest, I never told anyone about that night. And then, when I found out you were a therapist, I felt betrayed." John hung his head, avoiding Kaylie's eyes. "I know, it's stupid."  
  
Kaylie reached out and touched John's arm. "No, it's not. You told me a lot of personal things. Things that you obviously hadn't shared with a lot of people. And then to find out you bared your soul to another therapist. Well, I can understand how that would make you feel. Kind of like you'd been misled in some way?"  
  
John responded, "Yeah, like I thought I was talking to this one person, only to find out later I was talking to someone else completely."  
  
"Like a wolf in sheep's clothing?" Kaylie smiled at John. She knew that many people didn't trust therapists, and she didn't expect John to feel any different.   
  
John laughed. "Well, maybe not that extreme. You did after all help me a lot. And I appreciate that." John looked at Kaylie, noticing again how beautiful she was. And how tired.   
  
"I'm sorry! You're tired. I should let you go." John stood back.  
  
Kaylie looked at John, noticing how handsome he looked in his fine clothing. It was definitely an improvement from the night on the shore. And he seemed so much healthier. Her curiosity peaked again and she wondered what had happened to him since that night. "Maybe we could get a bite to eat? I haven't eaten since breakfast. It's been a long day and I'm starving."  
  
John smiled in return. "I know just the place."   
  
John led Kaylie back through the hospital and down to the ER. Stopping at the lounge long enough to get his coat, he spotted Kerry. "Kerry!"  
  
Kerry came walking over and greeted Kaylie again. "Ms. Moore. Good to see you again." She turned to John, trying to hide the smile that was playing at her lips. "John, did you want something?"  
  
John could read Kerry's face like a book and knew that she was thrilled to see him with Kaylie. "Yeah. Do you need me down here? I was hoping to go over to grab a bite to eat at Doc Magoos."  
  
Kerry did smile this time. "No, it's pretty quiet. Been quiet all evening. Just make sure your pagers on."  
  
"Thanks Kerry." John smiled and headed towards the ambulance bay with Kaylie. John paused at the door and looked over his shoulder. He could swear that everyone was staring at him. He caught Haleh's eye for a second and she looked away quickly. 'Maybe it's just my imagination,' he thought to himself as they left the ER.   



	6. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: ER belongs to nbc, warner, constant c, amblin and all those folks. You can have Kaylie if you don't sue me. =)  
  
Lost Souls VI  
By: Victoria  
  
"What can I get you folks today?"   
  
John glanced at his menu one last time before ordering the "special" for the evening-meat loaf, mashed potatoes and corn. Every man's meal. He looked over at Kaylie and found her smiling at him, as if amused by something. He raised his eyebrows and glanced down at himself, suddenly paranoid.   
  
"I'm sorry John. It's just that I thought you looked a little more filled out than when I met you, I guess now I know why." This time she couldn't contain a small laugh. John joined in her laughter, suddenly much more relaxed. Their laughter was interrupted by the waitress clearing her throat.  
  
"Are you folks going to finish ordering, 'cuz I do have other customers." The waitress looked at them expectantly. Kaylie blushed and grabbed her menu.  
  
"Sorry," she murmured before continuing. "I'll have a club sandwich, hold the mayo. No fries. But could I have an extra pickle?" This time it was John who laughed. Kaylie cocked an eyebrow and peered at John over her menu. "And just what, pray tell, is so funny about that?"  
  
"You're not a health nut are you? Um, I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that if you are, it's just. . .." John stumbled over his words, embarrassed and fearing that he had just insulted the most beautiful woman he had ever met.   
  
Kaylie reached out and gently touched John's hand. "Relax John. I'm not that easily offended. And no, I'm not a health nut, but it's also nine o'clock at night and I don't think my stomach could handle the onslaught of the daily special. But, I am a glutton for chocolate shakes. Split one with me?" Before John could answer, Kaylie was signaling for the waitress to come back to their table. The woman had given up on the pair and was taking another table's order. Irritated, the waitress returned to finish taking their order.  
  
Kaylie smiled sweetly at the waitress, hoping her attempt at charm would keep their waitress from holding onto their order longer than necessary. She knew that it wasn't smart to tick off waitstaff as they could keep you waiting in turn much longer. "I am so sorry about this. It's just that my friend and I haven't seen in each other in ages, and I guess we just got caught up in the excitement. We really are sorry for taking up so much of your time. We know how busy you are and we definitely plan on leaving a nice, juicy tip for your troubles." Kaylie could see the waitress relax a bit with her last statement, and she continued. "It it's not too much trouble, we'd like to add a chocolate milk shake with two straws to our order. And if you could put our order in right away, we would be very appreciative. My friend here works over at County and has to get back soon." Kaylie flashed the waitress a sincere smile, which the waitress returned.   
  
"Of course. I'll put this right in." The waitress hurried away and John broke out laughing.   
  
"Impressive. You'll have to teach me how to do that someday."  
  
"Do what?" Kaylie asked innocently.  
  
"Do that! Wrap someone around your little finger and have them hopping to do your bidding. It's almost evil." John grinned at Kaylie and she felt her heart flutter.  
  
"Oh, you don't need to know my secrets, you have a certain charm all your own John. Believe me. Just flash that smile of yours and presto!"  
  
John blushed again and then fell silent, suddenly at a loss for words. He looked down at the table and grabbed hold of his napkin. Nervously, he began to play with it, folding over the edges. He faintly remembered making Origami animals and flowers back in boarding school, and feebly attempted to create a tulip. When he finished he stared at the monstrosity in his hands. John found that if he squinted hard enough, he could see how it looked like a flower. Suddenly feeling silly, John held out the flower to Kaylie.   
  
Kaylie looked at the mutilated napkin John had handed her and stared at it, puzzled. It was obvious he had tried to make something, but she was dumbfounded as to what it was. She turned it over in her hands and looked up at John. He was smiling, pride apparent in his eyes.   
  
"Thank you John. I, um, love it?" Kaylie smiled at John, still wondering exactly what it was that she was admiring in her hand.   
  
"It's a tulip." John stated. "Although not a very good one. But hey, it's been awhile. Since I don't have a real flower to give you, I thought I'd improvise."  
  
"And why would you be giving me a flower John?" Kaylie asked.  
  
"Well, I never had a chance to thank you. You know, for listening to me that night. It meant a lot to me." John looked down at the table again, suddenly very self conscious.  
  
"You're welcome. You know, I have been wondering how you've been since that night. I mean, I can see that you are looking well. But are you?" Kaylie looked at John intently.  
  
"I can honestly say I am feeling pretty good. Not to say that everyday is great, because I still have some doozies, but on the average, things have definitely improved. I took your advice and I started opening up more to my friends, my coworkers. Even my family-my Gamma at least and my sister when we talk. It's helped a lot. Oh yeah, I found a new therapist too. I don't feel quite so belittled. But you know, we've already spent a great deal of time talking about me, I want to know about you. Who are you Kaylie Moore? Besides the wandering saint of Chicago?"  
  
Kaylie shifted in her seat, suddenly in the spotlight. Before she could answer, the waitress arrived with their order. "Here you go, Club sandwich, no mayo, extra pickle." She set Kaylie's food down in front of her. "And the special for you cutie," she said placing John's meatloaf on the table, followed by the chocolate shake, two straws. "Bon appetit!" she said as she hurried away.   
  
"Now that's service!" Kaylie said, taking a bite into her sandwich. She was relieved at the sudden reprieve the arrival of their food had given her. She was great at listening and helping others figure out their lives, but when it came to sharing the intimate details of her own life, she found herself at a loss for words.   
  
"How's your meatloaf?" Kaylie asked through a mouthful of sandwich.   
  
John laughed. "Didn't anyone ever tell you not to talk with your mouth full? It's disgusting!"  
  
Kaylie blushed, remembering that John came from a very wealthy family who had obviously been big on manners and etiquette. Her upbringing paled in comparison. "Sorry," she replied, her mouth now empty.   
  
"I'm joking! Really, I don't care if you talk with a mouthful of mush, as long as you don't spit anything at me." They both laughed. "Come on, help me with this shake." John aimed one of the straws in Kaylie's direction.   
  
The two continued to eat until John's pager suddenly began to beep. He looked at it and it was the ER. "Sorry Kaylie. I have to get back over there. Can I get your phone number and call you? We're not finished with this talk just yet. You still owe me your life story." John grinned.   
  
Kaylie fumbled in her brief case until she found what she was looking for. She held a business card out to him. "Here, you can call me here or leave me a message. Don't worry about dinner, it's on me."  
  
John grabbed his coat and started for the door. "Thanks Kaylie! I'll call, I promise!"  
  
Kaylie sat in the booth and watched out the window as John ran across the street to the ER. She rested her head on her hand and sighed. She hadn't expected to ever see John again, and definitely hadn't expected to be feeling the surge of emotions she was experiencing now. She couldn't deny that John was attractive or that she was attracted to him. But what she was feeling went beyond that. She felt like she had known John forever. She was comfortable being with him, and hadn't wanted their dinner to end so soon. She smiled as she thought of his pathetic tulip, and the cute way he blushed when he was embarrassed. 'Oh no Kaylie, do not start obsessing over him! Repeat after me: I will not obsess, I will not obsess.' Despite her attempts to think about something else, her mind kept coming back to one thing-John Carter.   
  
John had just finished working on a trauma and watched as the eighty-two year old man was wheeled up to surgery. Thanks to a drunk driver, the man would probably never see his grandkids again. The chance that he would survive major surgery at his age was small. John watched as Peter Benton got on the elevator behind the gurney and knew that at least the man was in good hands. John jumped as someone came up from behind him and clamped an arm around his shoulders.  
  
"How ya doin' John? Tough trauma huh? The DUI crashed and we couldn't revive him. I guess that's what they call poetic justice." Dave's voice registered in John's mind and John was amazed at how nonchalant he could be in the face of death.   
  
"Yeah, well. Mr. Faust has a chance still, and with Benton working on him his odds just got better." John replied.   
  
"Benton huh? Good deal. So, you want to get some coffee?" Dave steered John towards the lounge. They passed by Chuni who was coming out of the lounge.   
  
"Hi John. How are you? Let me know if you need to talk, okay?" With a quick smile, she went on her way.  
  
Inside the lounge, John turned to Dave. "Okay Malucci, what's up? First I got the feeling the whole ER was staring at me earlier when I left to get some dinner. Now, here you are acting like a mother hen. And what was with Chuni? I mean, haven't I been letting you guys know when I need a break? Do you all know something I don't?" John was starting to get seriously concerned the amount of attention he was receiving.  
  
Dave glanced around the lounge nervously. "Well, I saw you going up to psych earlier and Weaver told me you were going to talk to someone up there. I just assumed that you were having a bad day or something. I mean, I know you don't see anyone up in psych on a regular basis. So, I kind of asked some of the nurses to keep an eye on you."  
  
John laughed, finally understanding why he felt like he had been under a microscope all day. "Well, thanks for your concern Dave. I do appreciate that. And yes, I did go up to psych to see someone, but not one of the counselors up there. I was meeting a friend up there."  
  
Dave smiled and nudged John in the ribs. "You mean that pretty little lady you left with earlier? Haleh filled me in. Rumor has it she is a beauty. New girlfriend or just a friend?"  
  
"Just a friend Dave." John could feel himself grinning, despite his attempts to keep a straight face. He knew that with this rumor mill, the bets would be laid by the end of his shift on how long it takes him to marry her.   
  
"I knew it! I knew it! Definitely more than just a friend. I haven't seen you grin like that since. . . no, wait, I've never seen you grin like that. It's about time." Dave held up his hand to high five John. John slapped Dave's hand, the good feeling he had when he was with Kaylie was returning.   
  
"Dave, just don't go blabbing this all over the ER. I don't really know this woman very well, and I would like to take this slowly."  
  
"I'm hurt that you would think so lowly of me John. Of course I'll keep your little secret." Dave promised.  
  
John eyed Dave suspiciously. He would have to take Dave's word, he had no other choice. Of course, he wouldn't have to be worrying about this if Kerry hadn't put Dave hot on his tail all day. Hmm, maybe Dave could help him get some payback. Grinning wickedly, he turned to Dave.  
  
"Dave, you can help me with something else though."  
  
"Sure man, whatever. I guess I kind of owe you one." Dave replied.  
  
"Great, listen. . .."  
  
Kerry was in the supply lockup reviewing the current list of supplies when Dave burst through the doors. "Dr. Weaver, you need come now! Carter's flipped out big time. He's got several nurses trapped in the lounge and he won't let them leave!"  
  
Kerry's mouth dropped open and she gaped at Dave. "What do you mean he 'flipped out' Malucci! He was fine. What did you say to him?" Kerry was nearly yelling at Dave.  
  
"I didn't say anything to him. Well, I did ask him how he was. Come to think of it, so did the nurses he's got trapped in the lounge. You know, after you tipped me off on his trip up to psych, I had the nurses keep an eye on him. You know, to make sure he was okay and all. I guess when he found out everyone was looking over his shoulder, he just freaked. Said we didn't trust him. He said if we were going to think he was nuts, he would give us good reason. That's when he threw the chair."  
  
"He threw a chair? What the hell is going on in there Malucci? Never mind; I'm going in there. Get out of my way." Kerry pushed Dave to the side and limped to the lounge. Cautiously she approached the door. Not hearing anything, she threw the door open and stormed inside.  
  
"Hi Dr. Weaver." John greeted her with a wave and a smile from the couch. Connie, Chuni and Haleh were sitting across from him on the other couch and they also waved at her. Connie, who was holding a bag of microwave popcorn, held the bag out to her.  
  
"Want some popcorn? It's fresh. Dr. Carter made it for us. You on break? We're just finishing up, but if you want us to get back to work now, that's no problem." Connie looked at Kerry innocently.  
  
Kerry stared at the four of them and then turned to Dave. "I think you have some explaining to do Malucci!" Kerry said through clenched teeth as she turned and retreated out of the lounge with Dave on her heels.  
  
John and the nurses broke into hysterical laughter after she was gone. "I feel kind of bad for leaving Malucci to deal with Weaver." John said.   
  
"He's a big boy, he'll be fine-after he gets through gnawing his leg off to get out her grasp, that is." Haleh responded, setting them into hysterics once again.   
  
Haleh got up to return to work. "Thanks Carter. I haven't laughed that hard in ages. Sorry about the confusion today. You'll have to keep us updated on that little honey of yours." She winked at John as she went out the lounge door. Chuni and Connie got up to leave also. They left John alone in the lounge and he lay back on the couch for a much needed nap. With a smile on his face, he drifted off to sleep.   



	7. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: er/ characters are property of nbc, warner, contant c, amblin etc. no profit, etc.  
  
SPOILERS: most of season 6 (be still my heart onwards)  
  
Lost Souls VII  
By: Victoria F. (seeing as there is another Victoria frequenting the boards now =) )  
  
John stared at the small card he held between his fingers. He lowered it and began to tap it on the table in front of him. He didn't understand why he was so nervous about calling her, he had just seen her last night and they were getting on great. John smiled as he thought of Kaylie. He found himself admiring her deeply for her self-assurance. He'd thought about her all night; she was the last thing on his mind when he drifted off to sleep this morning. Now, it was already three o'clock and he knew he'd miss her if he didn't call soon. John looked at the phone next to him and sighed, still unable to bring himself to make the call. He hadn't heard the door open and didn't see his grandmother as she walked into the room.  
  
"John. I didn't know you were up." She noticed the somber look on his face and grew alarmed. "Is something the matter? Are you alright?"  
  
John smiled at his grandmother, pleased that she was still concerned about him after his excursion into drug abuse. He had been afraid that she would no longer be there for him as he had grown accustomed to her being. She was the one constant in his life and he didn't think he could have made it this far without her support.   
  
"I'm fine Gamma. I'm just. . ." John paused, wondering if he should tell his grandmother about Kaylie. "I'm just trying to decide if I want to call a friend."   
  
"And who would this friend be John? Kerry? Dr. Benton? Your NA sponsor? Are you sure you're alright? If you need someone to talk to, you know you can talk to me too John." John's grandmother looked at him again with concern.  
  
John knew that it was unfair to keep anything from this woman who had stood by his side through thick and thin, especially when she was so worried about him.   
  
"It's none of them Gamma. I met someone, a woman, who I would like to know better." John stopped and looked at his grandmother. She was smiling and her eyes prompted him to continue. "Her name is Kaylie. She's a therapist and works with children at Cook County Mental Health. I ran into her one night and we talked for a very long time. Or rather, I talked and she listened. She was so great Gamma!" John's voice was beginning to bubble over with excitement.  
  
"When I got back from Atlanta I was starting to get depressed again, I know you noticed. Well, I just hit rock bottom one day at work and fell apart. I had gone to some park down on the lake shore and suddenly, there she was, offering to listen. She didn't know me or who I was. And she wasn't trying to tell me how to feel. But she did set me straight. Kind of reminded me that I was a fool if I had all these people willing to help me and I refused to accept their help." John looked at his grandmother and smiled. "She kind of reminds me of you Gamma. Anyway, it was late and she had to leave. I didn't know her name and didn't think I'd ever see her again. And I didn't, at least not until yesterday."  
  
"What happened yesterday?" his grandmother prodded.  
  
"She came into the hospital to consult on a boy I had treated for an overdose-one of her clients. I was shocked, to say the least, to see her there. And I was mad," John admitted. "I didn't know she was a therapist when I had talked to her. But Kerry talked me into going to see her and talk to her. I did and she is so great. She has the most beautiful strawberry blond hair and green eyes that just pierce your soul. She is so strong too Gamma! We had dinner last night and she gave me her card to call her. I've been afraid to call though."  
  
"Why are you afraid to call her John?" his grandmother asked.  
  
"I don't know. I guess I'm just playing shy." John grinned sheepishly at his grandmother. She patted his hand and reassured him.  
  
"I'm sure everything will be fine. Call this Kaylie of yours. She wouldn't have given you her card if she didn't want you to call. I'm going to go and see how dinner is coming. I expect that when you join me, you'll have talked to her and will have more details for me. And," she added, "when you join me, I'll be more than happy to help you decide where to take the lovely lady for a real date." His grandmother stood and John stood with her, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek.  
  
"Thanks Gamma." He watched as she strode out of the room. Slowly he sat down and picked up the telephone receiver and began to dial.  
  
After finally seeing her last client for the day, Kaylie stretched and leaned back in her chair. It had been a long day and she was tired from her late dinner with John the evening before. She mentally chastised herself for the late hours she had begun keeping. She knew she couldn't be of much help to her clients if she were too tired to concentrate on what they were saying. Kaylie set about straightening up her office, and hoped that Charlie was still in his as she wanted to talk to him about John.   
  
Finally putting her last case file away in the filing cabinet, Kaylie gathered her briefcase and purse and headed to her godfather's office. To her relief, he was still there and was alone. Knocking on the partially opened door, Kaylie poked her head into the large office.   
  
"Kaylie! Come in, come in. Are you headed out?" the older therapist asked.   
  
"Yes, but I wondered if you had some time to talk. Do you?" Kaylie asked hopefully.   
  
"Of course. I'm trying to get out of here myself, but I seem to have quite a bit of work to finish first. I could use a break and I am truly happy that you dropped in." Charlie smiled at his god-daughter. He didn't see Kaylie much, even though they were colleagues as well as family. The pace at the Center was hectic, most of their patients being referred by social services. Patients who had no other form of insurance or means of therapy, so the waiting list was usually over-flowing with clients waiting to be seen. When the two did see each other, it was usually during a staff meeting or to discuss one of the clients. They hadn't sat down to check up on each other's lives in quite a while.  
  
"How are you Kaylie? It's been to too long since you've come to talk to me about anything other than work." her god-father gently scolded her.   
  
"I'm fine Uncle Charlie. Really. And I'm sorry that I haven't been making much time to come and visit. But I've been busy. So much has been happening." Kaylie stopped, she wanted to talk about Jonathon Mathews, but knew that would be a breach of confidentiality. Her god-father was the only one she could really talk to about these things, and it was weighing heavily on her mind, so she decided to be as vague as she could.  
  
Sighing, Kaylie said, "One of my previous clients recently tried to kill themselves. I went to see them yesterday and talked to the doctors treating them. It was so painful to see that they had gone to such extremes. It broke my heart Uncle Charlie. And I know that there isn't anything more I can do for them. I just hope that they're okay. I've been trying to keep my mind off of what happened, but it is so difficult."  
  
Charlie looked at his god-daughter, noticing how tired she looked. "You know there is only so much you can do for these kids, Kaylie. There comes a point that you just have to detach and let them go. You look tired, are you taking care of yourself Kaylie?" He was concerned about her, and hoped she wasn't picking up old habits. There had been a time when she had been on a course to self-destruction, and he feared that one day she would slip back into that black hole.  
  
Kaylie smiled at the man who meant the most to her in her life. She knew that he worried about her and would do anything to see that she was happy. She felt good knowing that someone cared that deeply for her.   
  
"I am taking care of myself, don't worry about that. But I have been staying up a little too late these past few weeks. You know I'm just not myself if I'm not in bed before ten o'clock."  
  
Still worried, Charlie probed deeper. "Are you still seeing Martha?"  
  
"Yes, I'm still seeing Martha." Kaylie didn't like where this conversation was going, but was too tired to find a way to steer it in another direction.  
  
"And you're taking your medication?"  
  
"Yes. Please Uncle Charlie, let's talk about something else. I actually came here to talk about something specific-someone specific, actually."  
  
"Oh!" Charlie leaned back in his chair. He thought for a moment a saw a smile flicker across Kaylie's face. "Well, who is this someone?"  
  
This time Kaylie did smile. "Well, I met someone who I am finding myself attracted to, but I'm not sure if this is something I should pursue. We didn't exactly meet under ideal circumstances, and I have the feeling that you may not approve."  
  
Charlie had always considered himself an open minded kind of person and he wasn't about to jump to a quick conclusion without hearing all the details. "All right. You have my attention. So you like this fellow, but think I may disapprove. What's his name and what does he do?"  
  
Kaylie took a deep breath, ready for the interrogation. "His name is John Carter and he is a doctor-a resident actually, over at County General Hospital. He works in the ER." Kaylie paused as her god-father sat forward.  
  
"Carter? As in 'the' Carters? The multi-million dollar Carters? That's quite some catch." he teased Kaylie. Then his face took on a serious expression.  
  
"Did you say John Carter? County General? The one who was attacked on Valentines Day? Oh God, Kaylie."  
  
Kaylie was quick to jump in. "I told you I didn't think you would approve. There's more." she added, knowing that what she had to say next would only add fuel to the fire.   
  
Charlie sighed, "Go on."  
  
Hesitantly, Kaylie continued. "Well, I was down at the lake last month-I wanted to be alone and it is such a beautiful place. I was writing in my journal and noticing all the people and what they were doing. I noticed one in particular. A man, sitting alone on a park bench, and he was crying. Not just crying, sobbing-his whole body was shaking. You know that I can't ignore someone in that much pain." Kaylie stopped and looked at Charlie. He nodded.  
  
Continuing, Kaylie said, "So I went over to him and asked if he was alright. He of course said that he was, but it was obvious he wasn't. I offered to listen to whatever was on his mind. He looked so lost, and I prayed that he would open up to me, and he did. What he told me broke my heart. But what broke my heart even more was that he was shutting out all the people who cared the most for him. I didn't say much, but I did tell him to give his friends and family the benefit of the doubt and try to talk to them and see what happened. I left after that. At the time, all I knew was that his first name was John. I never asked where he worked. He had told me he came from a wealthy family, but not which family. I never thought I would see him again." Kaylie stopped again.  
  
"Kaylie, I know it's in your nature to help any stray creature who crosses your path and needs help. But did it ever occur to you that one of these times you could end up getting seriously hurt? There is so much hurt and pain in this world and you can't take it all on your shoulders. It's not healthy. I know what happened to John Carter; it was all over the news. I'm surprised that you didn't recognize him or his story."  
  
Kaylie sighed. "Uncle Charlie, you know I don't watch the news or read it. Martha told me to focus on the positives around me. She pointed out that the newspaper and news shows give a disproportionate account of the bad versus the good. She said it's unhealthy for anyone who reads or watches the news daily. You know-the whole 'sky is falling' deal."  
  
"So tell me how you managed to run into John Carter again. You obviously found out his name and had more time to get to know him." Charlie asked.  
  
"Well, my client I was telling you about-the one who had overdosed, was taken to County General and social services asked me to go over and consult with the doctors. John happened to be the doctor to treat the child. I was shocked to see him, believe me. And he was equally shocked. Probably more so, because he didn't know I was a therapist when I talked to him the first time." Kaylie noticed Charlie sigh.  
  
"Anyway, he gave me the information I asked for and left, without even talking to me about that night. I was torn-I wanted to talk to him, to see how he was doing. I was also afraid. I hadn't expected to ever see him again. He didn't seem too pleased to see me. It was very awkward to be there, in his world. You know, like I was invading his privacy or something. After seeing the child and talking to the psychiatrist there, I was about to go home. I had decided to think about it some more. But just then, there he was. He apparently had done some thinking about it too and had come to talk to me. We had dinner over at some little diner, very informal. We talked a little bit, but not about anything much. He looked so much healthier and was obviously much happier. He got paged back to work and I gave him my phone number here to call. He hasn't yet." Kaylie sighed.  
  
"So, what does this all mean? You know why I'm concerned Kaylie. I don't think it's a good idea for you to continue to see him. I'm sure he's a very nice fellow, or you wouldn't be in here talking to me about him. But, it could set you back. It would break my heart if anything happened to you." Charlie's eyes were serious and pleading.  
  
"I know that this is a bad idea. My brain tells me to just forget about him. But my heart tells me to give this a chance. I can't explain what I'm feeling. But I want to see him again. The way he looks at me. He is so sweet and kind, and he blushes Uncle Charlie! It is so darling."  
  
"Kaylie, you know I would never tell you what to do. You know why I think this could end up hurting you. But if you think that this is something you have to pursue, then I will be here for you all the way." Charlie smiled at Kaylie and noticed her relieved expression. Just then the phone rang.  
  
"I'll go so you can talk." Kaylie whispered. Charlie motioned for her to stay. Then he held the phone out to her.   
  
"There's a John Carter on the line, for you." he said as he handed the phone to her. Nervously, Kaylie took the receiver.  
  
"Hi John; it's Kaylie." She was silent as she listened to John. "That would be wonderful. I'd love to. Where?" She was silent again and noticed her god-father signaling to her. "Just a minute John." She turned to Charlie, "What?"  
  
"I want to meet this fellow."  
  
"What?" Kaylie whispered, shocked. "Why?"  
  
"I want to make sure he intends to treat you right. I also want to see if he truly is as healthy as you believe."  
  
Kaylie stared at her god-father. Was he mad? Of course she didn't want to bring him along on a date with the man who made her stomach quiver. "No!" she whispered forcefully.   
  
"Kaylie Moore! I promised your mother I would take care of you, and I let her down once. Not this time. Unless I can meet this man, you will not have my blessings in this relationship." From the look on Kaylie's face, Charlie knew he would have his way.  
  
Kaylie picked up the phone again, "John? Um, my god-father would like to meet you before we go out again alone." She paused. "No it's not a joke. No, we're not Mafia. Please, John, I know this sounds strange, but . . ." She was interrupted by John on the other end. "Okay. Yes, that sounds fine. Okay, I'll tell him. Bye."  
  
Kaylie turned to Charlie. "He said he'd love to meet you and that we could have dinner with him and his grandmother tomorrow at his grandmother's home. Is that satisfactory to you?" Kaylie knew that he last question was biting and immediately regretted it. Charlie, on the other hand, looked amused.  
  
"His grandmother, hmm? Guess he didn't want to feel teamed up on. So dinner tomorrow, at the Carter mansion. Prepare to be treated like a princess my dear." Charlie laughed as Kaylie began to look a bit green around the edges.   
  
"Oh dear," she murmured.  
  
John gently set the phone down and stood silently. Did he just invite Kaylie and this god-father of hers to the house for dinner, with his grandmother? What was he thinking? He knew his that his grandmother would make a production out of this and hoped that the evening went over well. He had the feeling that he was about to under-go the interrogation of his life. Mustering his courage, he headed to the kitchen to tell his grandmother that he had just promised away her evening the following the night.   
  
"Oh boy," he mumbled, wondering what he was getting himself into.  



	8. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: er/ characters are property of nbc, warner, constant c, amblin etc. No profit.   
  
SPOILERS: most of season 6 (be still my heart onwards)  
  
Lost Souls 8  
By: Victoria F.  
  
John stood in front of his full length mirror, gazing nervously at his image. He turned to the left, then to the right, and finally turned his back to the mirror. Using a small hand held mirror, he looked at his back. Sighing, he turned and faced the mirror again. Deciding the khaki pants and tan polo he had chosen were too casual, he crossed the room to his walk in closet. He pulled out one pair of slacks after another, throwing them onto an overstuffed chair. He continued to rummage through until he came upon a midnight blue pair of slacks. Inspired, he crossed to the other side of the closet to a row of button down shirts and pulled out a sky blue shirt. Imagining how classy he would look in the ensemble, he began to flip through his ties. He could feel his excitement brewing. He wanted to impress Kaylie, but he was more concerned with impressing this God-father of hers. He must be a hard sell if he insisted on meeting John so soon. He obviously held high expectations for his God-daughter, and John intended on making the right impression. Deciding on a paisley maroon and midnight blue tie, he began to shed his current outfit. After fumbling with buttons and zippers and knots, John was finally dressed. One glance in the mirror was all he needed. He looked good and he knew it. Now if only the rest of the evening would go as well.   
  
John stepped out of his room and shut the door. Hopefully Kaylie wouldn't ask to see his room, which was now a mountain of clothing. He walked down the hallway and turned the corner, nearing the staircase. He could hear voices rising from somewhere below. John stopped, suddenly overcome by waves of nausea. Taking a deep breath, he fought to regain control of his nerves. He could feel his heart quicken and his legs grow weak. Sitting quickly in a chair, John lowered his head between his knees and forced himself to take another deep breath. 'Come on John, you're stronger than this. Pull yourself together and go downstairs and be a proper host!' John chided himself. Slowly rising to his feet, John shook his hands and legs in an effort to lose some of the tension that had crept through his body. He couldn't believe how nervous he was. It was just a date after all, and a chaperoned date at that.  
  
Feeling a little better, John slowly walked down the stairs. He could hear the voices better now and realized that they belonged to the housekeeper and the cook. He entered the dining room and gasped at how elegantly the table was set. There were candelabras set periodically down the middle of the table, as well as bouquets of white roses. The table was set for a full course meal, and John noticed that his grandmother's finest china and silver were set out. John was overwhelmed by the detail being put into this dinner. He had never cared before how the table was set or what china was used, but tonight was special and he was touched that his grandmother was going to so much trouble. Smiling, John reached out his hand and nimbly touched the linen napkin nearest to him.   
  
"John! It's about time you came down. I thought I was going to have to greet your lady friend by myself."  
  
Startled to hear his grandmother's voice, John quickly snatched his hand away from the table, like a little boy who had just been caught stealing a piece of candy.   
  
"It's beautiful, isn't it? Mable and Frederick have been working on this all afternoon." Millicent turned and looked at John. "You look very handsome John. Very appropriate. I'm sure you'll make a very good impression on this God-father of Kaylie's."  
  
"Thank you Gamma. You look beautiful this evening," John commented as he gazed at his grandmother. Clad in a floor length off-white Versace gown, his grandmother exuded sophistication and glamour.   
  
"Thank you John." Just then, chimes filled the air. Looking at her grandson she smiled and held out her hand. "Ready John?"  
  
******  
  
"Be prepared to be treated like a princess, now what did that mean?" Kaylie mumbled to herself as she looked at the three dresses she had laid out on her bed. Kaylie picked up the first dress, the cliche 'little black dress' and thought it might be the one. Laying it back on the bed, she looked at her other two choices: one a red sequined evening gown, the other a sheer ivory slip dress. Neither seemed very appropriate, in fact, neither did the black dress. 'Now what am I going to do?' Kaylie thought, panic rising. She couldn't show up at a mansion dressed in your average, run of the mill club dress. Feeling defeated, Kaylie flopped backwards onto her bed and spread her arms out. 'I can't go, I just can't go. I won't fit in there-I'll embarrass John,' Kaylie thought dejectedly. Kaylie closed her eyes and suddenly saw an image of her mother, her own arms stretched out as she twirled around in front of a large oval mirror. She could hear her mother's laughter and then her father's voice.  
  
"You look beautiful Margaret. You'll be the belle of the ball." Then her father was next to her mother, taking her into his arms. Kaylie could see them dancing, laughing the way they often would when they were alive. Kaylie remembered how beautiful her mother had looked that night, as she prepared to attend an art gallery opening. She could remember how her mother had had spun around and around, showing off the pale blue silk dress that hung seductively over her body, accentuating her curves just enough to make her father's eyes glimmer.   
  
Kaylie sat up, excited. That dress, she would wear her mother's dress. She knew she had her mother's dresses packed somewhere, but where? Thinking for a moment, Kaylie ran into the guest room and yanked open the closet door. Pulling down box after box from the shelf, she finally found what she was looking for-an old Macys dress box. Gently pulling off the lid, Kaylie gazed down at the blue gown and smiled. Grabbing the box, Kaylie raced back to her room. Quickly shedding her work clothes, Kaylie stepped into the blue gown and stared at herself in awe. She looked gorgeous. The gown hung over her hips and accentuated her bustline just enough to make a man's heart race. Of course she would have to do something with her mop of hair that at the moment was hanging limply at the sides of her face. 'Not today you don't', she instructed her hair. Gathering her curling iron, hair pins, and evening makeup, she set to work.   
  
Almost an hour later, she sat, looking at herself in the mirror. The transformation was amazing. She had managed to pull her hair up to the top of her head, and curls cascaded down gently, alluringly. Her face was framed by wisps of curls, adding just the right charm. Her green eyes shimmered under a blue, glittery eye shadow. Her lips appeared full and rosy, accentuating her rouged cheeks. Once again, Charlie's words flooded her mind: "Be prepared to be treated like a princess." She felt like a princess in her mother's gown and silently thanked her mother for letting her borrow it. Grabbing her purse, she left her apartment and walked towards the lobby to wait for Charlie.  
  
******  
  
John walked into the foyer with his grandmother on his arm and prepared to greet Kaylie and her God-father. Suddenly catching sight of Kaylie, John stopped, stunned. His heart began to race as he admired how beautiful she looked. John felt his grandmother's hand squeeze his arm, and he realized that he was being rude. Looking back at Kaylie, John noticed her God-father for the first time. An older gentleman with white hair and mustache, the man appeared worldly and dignified. Feeling nervous once again, John escorted his grandmother over to the pair.   
  
Smiling, John introduced his grandmother to Kaylie. "Kaylie, I would like you to meet my grandmother, Millicent Carter." Turning to his grandmother he said, "Gamma, this is Kaylie."  
  
Kaylie smiled warmly, and held her hand out to the elderly Mrs. Carter, hoping that her nervousness was not betrayed by shaking hands. Grasping her hand warmly, Millicent spoke first.  
  
"I am so pleased to meet you Kaylie. John is quite taken with you."   
  
Kaylie blushed and responded, "Thank you Mrs. Carter. I'm quite pleased to meet you as well." Putting her hand gently on Charlie's arm, Kaylie introduced him; "Mrs. Carter, John, this is my God-father, Charles Higginbotham."  
  
"Sir," John said taking the man's hand.   
  
"Mr. Higginbotham, a pleasure," Millicent replied.   
  
Charlie looked at John, sizing him up, impressed at least with his appearance. Mrs. Carter was obviously very accustomed to greeting strangers, and appeared very relaxed. "Mrs. Carter, John. It's good to meet you both. Thank you for inviting us into your home."  
  
The group entered the dining room and Kaylie's breath caught as she saw the table, laid out as if for Kings. Candles glimmered softly and the scent of roses filled the room. Kaylie glanced at John and caught him looking at her. She felt her cheeks burning and smiled at the attention. John looked so handsome tonight and Kaylie wished they were alone. Millicent stood at the head of the table and gestured for John to sit to her left, and for Kaylie to her right. Charlie sat next to Kaylie.   
  
Throughout most of the meal, the discussion was light. What business was the Carter family in, what charities did the Carter foundation support, what exactly did John and Kaylie's jobs entail? It was idle chit-chat, building to the true objective behind the evening. After the main course had been cleared and desert was served, Charlie decided it was time to get the answers he had come for. While he was impressed by the Carter mansion and by John himself, Charlie was still concerned about Kaylie's well being. A little money and proper upbringing did not ensure that John Carter would not, in the end, hurt Kaylie. Wiping his mouth on his napkin, Charlie cleared his throat and spoke.  
  
"John, I know you have been through quite a lot in the past few months. Some of this I know from talking with Kaylie, some of it I know from the newspapers. You are a high profile family, obviously nothing that happens to you escapes coverage. So my question is, do you think you are healthy enough to pursue a relationship with my God-daughter?"   
  
John sat, shocked by the bluntness of the question. He had expected to be questioned on his recovery, and maybe even his stay at the treatment center, but he did not expect to be confronted in such a way. Charlie took John's silence to mean he did not understand the question and continued.  
  
"Let me clarify my question John. Are you interested in Kaylie because you are attracted to her and find her beautiful, or because she was the one who was there when you most needed someone to be there? Are you drawn to her as someone who you feel can make you feel better? Who can help you through the rough times that you know you will continue to face?" John stared at Charlie, beginning to understand the man's logic behind his questions.  
  
"Don't answer that yet John. Let me ask you this. Do you feel like you are fully recovered-physically, emotionally? Do you feel like you have overcome your addiction?"  
  
John opened his mouth and stammered, "Yes, I am, I have. It's not an issue."  
  
Charlie leaned forward and looked at John. "It is an issue John! No one recovers from what you have been through so quickly. If you try and tell me you have, I'll call you a liar. You may be feeling good now, but obviously you weren't doing so well at one time, and it wasn't such a long time ago. And that was following, what 30 days at a drug treatment center with therapists there twenty-four seven?"  
  
John mumbled, "Ninety days."  
  
"Ninety days, and you still found yourself at a breaking point once you were back in Chicago. I don't mean to betray Kaylie's confidences here, but these are legitimate concerns that I have, and you should share them, if you like Kaylie as much as you say. Now back to my original question, exactly what is the basis for your attraction to my God-daughter?"  
  
John sat numbly, thoughts tumbling around his head. Thoughts that hadn't entered his mind until now. Was he as healthy as he thought? Could he find himself near that breaking point once again? And most important, did he find himself attracted to Kaylie as a lifeline rather than as a beautiful woman with which to pursue a fairy book life full of love and children? Suddenly overwhelmed, John began to feel dizzy and his breath was labored. Pushing himself away from the table, he set his napkin down and stood up slowly, grasping the table for support.  
  
"Excuse me," he whispered, lurching towards the door. Back in the foyer, he caught his breath and stumbled over to the staircase. He sat on the bottom steps and put his head into his hands.   
  
"John." John looked up to see his grandmother rushing towards him. Unsure of what to say, she sat down next to him and took his hand in her own.   
  
"Are you alright?" Why was everyone always asking him if he was alright? He opened his mouth to reply with his standard answer and found that he was unable. Finally he just shook his head. After a minute of silence he spoke.  
  
"I'm sorry Gamma. I wasn't expecting that-those questions. I thought I was okay, but what if I'm not? What if I have another breakdown? What if I am only attracted to Kaylie as some sort of 'life line'?" he asked, repeating the phrase Charlie had used. Standing, he looked at his grandmother. "I have to be alone and think about this. I'm going for a walk. If you would make my apologies. . .." With that, John almost ran for the door and slipped through it and out of sight.   
  
Angrily, Millicent returned to her guests. "John sends his regrets, but he will not be rejoining us." She looked at Kaylie, who sat quietly with a look of shock on her face. Millicent turned to Charlie, her eyes blazing.   
  
"If you had those questions-those concerns," she almost spit this last word out, "it would have been far less demeaning for you to speak to John privately, rather than under this guise if civility. I over-estimated you Mr. Higginbotham. I would have thought that a man of your stature and position would have known better than to engage in a confrontation of this magnitude. Of course John is far more fragile than he believes, but it wasn't for you to force him to recognize that at this point. John is still healing, as you pointed out, and I have seen him filled with more energy and stamina in the last month or so, than I had seen in almost a year. He deserved to feel that. He didn't deserve this. I think that now, it is time for you to leave." Millicent glared at Charlie.   
  
"I will leave Mrs. Carter, but first I would like to say something. I was out of line, I admit that. I didn't mean to come across so strongly. I certainly didn't mean to do John any harm. But my intentions were pure. I hold concerns of my own, grave concerns, and I needed to know how stable John is. I may have gone about this in the wrong manner, and I agree that I have behaved completely unprofessionally. I know that you want us, me, to leave, but let me speak to John again first. I promise I won't attack him or ask him anymore questions. I want to explain some things to him. And I don't think it would hurt for me to talk to him and make sure he's alright. I am a psychiatrist, even though I haven't acted like one."  
  
Millicent looked at the man in front of her with loathing, but she was worried about her grandson. If this man had an explanation that could help John understand the persecution he had just endured, than so be it. God help him if John came back more scarred than he was already. She nodded silently, her eyes daring the man to harm her grandson further.   
  
Suddenly hearing a quiet sobbing, Millicent looked down at Kaylie and saw that the girl was crying into her napkin. Millicent could feel her rage settle as she gazed down at Kaylie and she realized that this girl was as innocent as John in all of this, and as much a victim of her God-father's concern. Her heart went out to this pitiful girl in her Cinderella fantasy turned nightmare. She sighed and sat down next to Kaylie and put her arm around the girl's shoulders.  
  
******  
  
Charlie caught up to John in the gardens, stumbled across him actually as John had sat down on a bench hidden in shadows. Seeing John hunched over, his face buried in his hands, Charlie realized just what he had done.   
  
"John. Are you alright? Can I get you anything?" he asked John.  
  
Without looking up, John replied, "According to you, I'm not alright-I never will be, and right now I would have to agree with you." John's voice was muffled, and Charlie thought he was crying. A shiver went down Charlie's spine, and he wondered if he had inadvertently pushed this poor man into a deep depression.  
  
"John. This isn't what I meant to happen tonight. I'm sorry. I had no right to question you like that or to imply that you are not really healthy. I'm not your doctor, I don't know if that is true or not. From an observer's point of view, you appear to be a healthy, stable man doing his best to recover from a horrible ordeal. I should have left it at that. Yes, you will have setbacks, but I shouldn't have implied that they would be debilitating. I just wanted you to be aware that you will experience setbacks, and urges to turn back to drugs in time. I wanted you to think about how you will handle this when it happens." Charlie stopped and took a deep breath.  
  
"John, Kaylie isn't as healthy as she appears to be either. I don't think she has told you this, but she is recovering from a breakdown she experienced several years ago." He stopped as John looked up suddenly. John shook his head.  
  
"Kaylie is a caring person, always going that extra mile to help those around her. She was working at the Center, second year on staff full time, when she became very involved with a client. Went that extra mile to help this child who was in a volatile situation with her parents. At the time, Kaylie thought she could save all the kids who came through our doors. But not this one. Kaylie got a call from the girl one night, things were explosive at home, and the kid said she was going to take off. Kaylie talked to her, tried to convince her to let her send social services over and place her somewhere, but the kid was too afraid. She ended up running. Kaylie got the police report a week later, the girl's body had been found in some dumpster. She had been raped and beaten to death.   
  
"Kaylie just broke. It was heart wrenching to watch. She wouldn't eat, she wouldn't talk. She didn't go out. Finally, she tried to kill herself. I'm the one who found her, and the pill bottles. The doctors wanted to commit her, and I knew it was the best thing for her. I didn't want to lose her. She was hospitalized for almost six months before they released her to me. Yes, she was much better, eating, talking, and would go out with me or her friends. But it was slow. She still experienced severe bouts of depression. She tried different drugs and finally found one that really made a tremendous difference in controlling the depression. She's been taking Wellbutrin ever since and seeing a therapist regularly."  
  
John nodded, recognizing the name of the drug. His own doctors had contemplated putting him on it at the clinic, but had settled on Zoloft instead. John understood Charlie's concern for Kaylie, but Kaylie had gone back to her job and seemed to be doing fine.   
  
"I don't understand. Why, if Kaylie is able to return to that same job, do you think that seeing me will push her back over that edge?" John questioned.  
  
"John, Kaylie has worked very hard to get to the point where she recognizes that work is work, you leave it at the end of the day and live your own life. But seeing you is her own life, that personal part that she looks forward to returning to every day. I am afraid that taking care of these kids by day, and supporting you by night may be enough to set her back. Do you understand that?"   
  
John nodded quietly. "I want to talk to Kaylie." With that, John was bounding back towards the house with Charlie close behind.  
  
John pushed open the door to the sitting room and found Kaylie and his grandmother talking. Both women looked up as he and Charlie entered the room. Addressing his grandmother, John said;  
  
"Gamma, could you give me a moment to talk to Kaylie?" His grandmother looked at him, wondering what he wanted to talk to Kaylie about and hoped that he wasn't about to make the mistake of his life.   
  
"Of course John, I'll wait in the foyer," Millicent said, leaving John alone with Kaylie.  
  
John sat down next to Kaylie and began to talk. "Kaylie, Charlie told me about what happened to you, and I agree with him. We shouldn't see each other. I don't want to be responsible for causing you any pain. You're a beautiful woman Kaylie, I'm sure I'll regret this. But your God-father's right, I'm not as strong as I would like to think and I'll only start leaning on you, and that's not fair to you. I'm sorry."   
  
Without waiting for Kaylie to speak, John got up and quickly walked out of the room. Without another word he walked by his grandmother and Charlie and climbed the staircase. He entered his room, closing the door and collapsed onto the bed.   
  
Kaylie slowly emerged from the sitting room, her face blank. She approached Charlie and raised her face to look at him. Kaylie quickly raised her right hand and slapped Charlie across the face. Then she turned and walked silently to the door. Charlie followed her, his heart breaking from the pain he had caused that day. He only hoped that Kaylie would one day forgive him.   
  
Millicent sighed, trying to grasp all that had happened that night. Unable to understand, she slowly made her way up the stairs to check on her grandson.   



	9. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: ER/ characters are property of nbc, warner, amblin, constant c, etc. No profit involved.  
  
SPOILERS: most of season 6-Be Still My Heart onwards.  
  
Lost Souls IX  
By: Victoria F.  
  
"Thanks for lunch Kerry," John said as he wiped his mouth with a napkin.   
  
"You missed a spot," Kerry replied laughing and pointed to his chin. "Do you want another one? We have time," Kerry asked, gesturing to a nearby hotdog stand.   
  
"God, no Kerry, three's enough. I think I'm going to burst," John said patting his stomach. "Let's just sit here for a little bit-you know, so I can digest." John groaned and asked, "Why didn't you stop me at two?"  
  
"Why, so you could steal my dinner later? I don't think so," Kerry replied, remembering her steakum she had packed for dinner, and John's fondness for them.   
  
"How are you doing John?" Kerry asked seriously.  
  
"I'm hanging in there. It's been tough though. I've been in to see Grace three times this week. I'm actually starting to believe that I'm going to come through all of this okay." John stopped and looked over at Kerry. "You know, it's funny, a week ago I was on top of the world. I thought everything was going to be great. And then. . .." John stopped talking and looked down at his hands. After a minute he continued, "Well, let's just say reality hit home. Deep down, I knew the euphoria I was feeling wasn't going to last, but I wish that I'd had more time to adjust to what comes after it. You know? To just be able to enjoy what I was feeling and deal with all the other crap later."  
  
Kerry's face contorted angrily. "If only I could get my hands on that man! Whatever in the world possessed him to say those things? And a psychiatrist at that!"  
  
John sighed. "I understand why he said it-he was afraid for Kaylie. I've thought about it, and I still think he was right. I could've ended up hurting Kaylie, and I don't want that."  
  
"And what about you John? You did end up being hurt. You found a little piece of happiness, which nobody deserved more than you, and it was torn away. Some 'concerned godfather' comes along and tells you it's not real. That's bullshit John and you know it! You're going to face a lot of crap John, but you're a strong person. You've handled it all this long, and you'll keep handling it. That's what we do-we survive." Kerry stopped suddenly and looked down at her legs.   
  
"You don't think that I ever wanted to just give up John? Do you think that I was never faced with these same fears, fears about what the future holds? Worried about whether or not I was going to be able to get through it? I've been there John, and I've gotten through it. I had to. I still have days when I wonder how I've gotten this far, and how I'll keep going. Days that just seem like if the world were to end right then, all would be good. But the world goes on, and so do I. And so will you. The same way that I have all these years. With the help of friends and loved ones. Don't be afraid to turn to anyone John. When it all seems to be too much, don't be afraid to reach out and ask someone to lighten that burden. We'll be there for you, just as we know that you'll be there for us." Kerry was silent for a moment.  
  
Quietly, Kerry said, "I wish that you would trust Kaylie enough to know her own strength and her own limitations. You two could do each other a lot of good John."  
  
John sighed. "Well, I think lunch is about over. We'd better head back to the ER." He started to walk away and Kerry looked at his retreating back. Putting her arm through her crutch, Kerry stood and silently followed.  
  
*****  
  
Kaylie sat in her car, staring at the long line of cars spread out in front of her. Why did she think that getting on the Eisenhower would actually be faster? Now she was going to be late returning to work and her next session started in fifteen minutes. Kaylie sat back and pushed a tape into her tape player. She closed her eyes and her mind began to drift with the music. She didn't realize that she had fallen asleep until the sound of a horn blaring woke her. Putting her car into drive, she pulled forward about fifteen feet and then stopped again. The cars in front of her had barely moved.   
  
Kaylie closed her eyes again and an image of John entered her mind. His face wore the same shocked look it had the night of the dinner. It was the same image that had been haunting her daily since that night. Why didn't she stop Charlie? It wasn't as if she were afraid of him. Yet, she sat there and let him berate John in his own home in front of his grandmother, no less. She'd asked herself this question many time over since and still hadn't come up with an answer. Maybe it was because she felt guilty-she had been intrigued at first by Charlie's question. Part of her did want to know if John was attracted to her, pure and simple, or if his feelings were born out of a need to be taken care of-to be saved. But when John had gotten up and left the table so quickly, that awful look of betrayal and pain on his face, she knew the damage had been done.   
  
She hadn't spoken to Charlie since the dinner. She loved him dearly, but was afraid of what she would say to him if she were to see him. He had betrayed her in a way worse than she could have ever imagined. He had used what she told him and turned it against John, throwing it back in John's face. Charlie had taken care of Kaylie for so long, and Kaylie had begun to doubt her own stability with Charlie's words. Kaylie knew that hadn't been her godfather's intention, but with each question he posed to John, Kaylie found herself answering them in her own light. Maybe she wasn't ready to be in a relationship. Maybe she wasn't strong enough to give the love and support a woman and man share when they are in love. Maybe she would fall apart the moment she was called upon to support and encourage another through hard times. The thoughts scared her and she had forgotten to believe in herself. She had come through a lot, and had her own means of dealing with stress and life's demands when they got to be too much. But that night, she couldn't remember any of that. All she could think at that moment, was that this man who loved her and had seen her through her worst moments didn't believe it. Didn't believe in her. Damn him!  
  
When John had come to her later, after being alone with Charlie, he seemed so broken. She couldn't forgive Charlie for that. And when John agreed with Charlie, Kaylie had felt her heart break. Not only did Charlie doubt her stability, John did too. It was only after she had gotten home did she realize that she was wrong. John didn't doubt her, he doubted himself. And that broke Kaylie's heart even more. The look in John's eyes that night still haunted her. It was pure defeat. Kaylie prayed that John would pull through this, with the support of his friends and family, and believe in himself again.   
  
Kaylie thought back to the night on the shore-it seemed like an eternity ago. John had told her many things about his life, many of them very trying. He had overcome them all. She hoped that John would remember what he had already overcome and find the strength to go on. Kaylie's thoughts turned to the diner and the paper flower he had made for her. It was such a simple gesture, but full of love and sincerity. She had felt so comfortable with John that night, and she knew he felt the same. He had wanted to know about her, about her life. He hadn't wanted to talk about himself. He had been impressed by her tact in dealing with the waitress. None of this pointed to a man who would put her feelings aside to get the emotional support he needed. No. John had come across more as someone who put others first, only reaching out when he knew it was comfortable for both. Not the other way around, as her godfather had implied.   
  
Kaylie slammed her hand down on the steering wheel. Why had she let herself be convinced that seeing John would be dangerous? She hadn't even tried to stop John from walking out that night. She was disgusted at her own weakness and at how easily she had allowed Charlie to decide who should be in her life. It was her life, wasn't it? At that moment, Kaylie made her decision and at the first exit, pulled off the expressway and headed to County General.   
  
*****  
  
"Hey John, I've got a kid in exam 2 who's complaining of stomach cramps and has right side tenderness. Could you take a look at him for me and tell me what you think?" John looked up from the chart he was completing to see Jing Mei standing in front of him.  
  
"Don't you think you should call for a surgical consult? It sounds like Appendicitis."  
  
"Well, I would, but there's another factor. The kid ate a whole bowl of cherries followed by a box of Twinkies. Apparently, his folks left him alone in the house while they went to visit the neighbors. Could you just take a look? You know how much the surgical residents hate being called down if it's not necessary," Jing Mei asked.  
  
Sighing, John set his chart down and followed Jing Mei. Inside the exam room, John reviewed the chart and then began to examine the boy.  
  
"So, John. I hear that you're dating a hot little red head," Jing Mei said, smiling.  
  
"And where did you hear that? Dave?" John asked.  
  
"No, Haleh," replied Jing Mei.  
  
"Well, Haleh's wrong. I'm not dating anyone," John said sharply.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry. It sounded like public knowledge and I was just the last to know." Jing Mei looked at John. He looked tired, and his voice had an edge to it she hadn't heard in a while. Knowing John was tired of everyone asking him how he is, she tried a different tact.  
  
"So, how's everything going at your grandmother's?"  
  
"Gamma's been great. She's been very supportive. Look, Deb, I can tell where you're going with this. I'm fine, I'm just dealing with something at the moment. And no, I don't need to talk, I've been talking enough about it. Just this afternoon with Kerry actually. So you can stop worrying now." Just then, the boy John was examining sat up and vomited over the side of the bed, onto John's pants and shoes.   
  
"Ewww! Well, I guess you were right Deb. Looks like he just ate one too many cherries. Ugh. I'm going to go change."  
  
Laughing, Jing Mei replied, "Thanks for the consult John. I guess I owe you one."  
  
John looked back over his shoulder at Jing Mei. "One? The next exploding diarrhea that comes through the doors is all yours." Lifting his hands over his head he pushed his way through the door and headed to the lounge to get his scrubs.   
  
John was coming out of the men's bathroom when Connie flagged him down. "Dr. Carter, you have someone waiting to see you in chairs. They said it was an emergency."  
  
John threw his pants into a bin and hurried over to the chairs area. Looking around, he didn't see a familiar face, and wondered who had come to see him. John turned began to walk towards the admit area when he caught sight of Kaylie leaning against the desk. Seeing John, Kaylie began to walk towards him.   
  
"Kaylie, what, what are you doing here?" John stammered.   
  
"I came to talk to you," Kaylie replied.  
  
"I don't think there's anything left to talk about," said John.  
  
"I never had a chance to talk John. It's my turn now, and you're going to listen. I'm sorry about what happened at your grandmother's. I didn't know Charlie was going to do that. If I'd known, I never would have allowed it to happen. I'm sorry for not saying anything, for not stopping him. He was wrong. I hope you know that." Kaylie paused and looked at John. He was looking at the floor, but he was listening.   
  
Kaylie continued, "John, the only reason I let you walk out on me that night was because I thought you didn't believe in me. I realize now that it wasn't me you didn't believe in but yourself. I had to question my own stability too though John. That's what Charlie was really saying. He thinks I'm not ready to be in a position that asks me to support another person. He just wanted you to realize that you need that support. It wasn't you he was really questioning, it was me.   
  
"John, I want to see you. I like you-a lot. And I think you like me. Yes, you'll need extra support, but so will I. I want the chance to share that with you." Kaylie paused and smiled at John. "Will you share this with me?"  
  
John looked up at Kaylie. "I don't know if I can Kaylie. What your godfather said really made me think. What if I do ask too much of you? What if I fall apart and you're stuck putting the pieces back together? I don't want to be the one responsible for causing you to have a relapse. I just don't know. . .." John's voice trailed off.   
  
"*I* know, John! We're talking about me, so that should be good enough. Believe in me John, I need you to believe in me." Kaylie looked at John, tears welling in her eyes.   
  
John reached out to Kaylie and pulled her into his arms. "God Kaylie, of course I believe in you. It was never about you. I guess I just don't believe in myself."  
  
Kaylie looked up at John and smiled, tears running down her cheeks. "Then I'll believe in you, and you believe in me, and we'll do just fine." Kaylie reached up and caressed John's cheek. She lifted her mouth and John's lips met her own. The sounds of applause a few catcalls startled them both and they jerked their heads up and looked around. The nurses and a few doctors had gathered around and were watching them. John saw Jing Mei and Kerry watching as well and blushed.   
  
Kaylie looked back at John. "I have to get back to work. Do you think we can get together later?"  
  
John smiled. "I think I owe you a date-a real date that is." John and Kaylie made plans to meet later that evening, and Kaylie began to walk back to her car. She was looking forward to being alone with John that night, but she had something she had to take care of first.   
  
Charlie was sitting at his desk when Kaylie knocked. He looked relieved when he glanced up and saw Kaylie standing at the door.   
  
"Kaylie. Please come in. I was so afraid you weren't going to talk to me ever again," Charlie said, his voice quiet.  
  
"I wasn't. At least, that's what I had planned. But we've been through too much together to call it quits. I am angry with you though. What you did to John, to me, was horrible. You betrayed me!" Kaylie said, her voice angry.  
  
Charlie nodded, his head lowered. "I know."  
  
"You, you used what I told you to attack John. You have more respect for your patients than you do for me! What I told you was in confidence. I turned to you for advice, because I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into. But I didn't ask you to interrogate him! I didn't ask you to make the decision for me. And I definitely did not ask you to tell him what I had gone through. I would have done that. But you didn't give me the chance. And to make it all worse, you don't believe in me enough to let me decide for myself if I'm ready for this kind of relationship. How can I believe in myself if you of all people can't believe in me?" Kaylie asked, beginning to cry.  
  
Charlie got up and walked around the desk to Kaylie and put his arms around her. "I am so sorry Kaylie. I never meant to hurt you. I was afraid for you, for what might happen if you got involved with John. I know I should have believed in you and let you take this one step at a time, as you were ready. I should have believed that you would make the right decisions and that you are strong enough for whatever happens."  
  
Kaylie pulled away from Charlie and looked him in the eye, determinedly. "Well, I guess we'll find out. I just saw John and we're going out tonight."  
  
Charlie was silent for a moment and then spoke, "I think I owe this doctor of yours an apology, as well as his grandmother."  
  
"I think you do," Kaylie said in agreement.   
  
"Kaylie," Charlie said, "I love you. I know that I was a complete bastard, but I hope that you can forgive me."  
  
Kaylie smiled, "I already have Uncle Charlie."  
  
*****  
  
John raised his glass and looked at Kaylie over the candles' flames, the light creating a gentle glow around her. "To us. To new beginnings."  
  
"To believing in each other, and in ourselves," Kaylie toasted.   
  
John looked at Kaylie and he was awed by how beautiful she looked. He stood and held out his hand to her. "Would you dance with me?" Kaylie took his hand and he led her to the dance floor.  
  
"I am so glad you wore that dress. God, you look gorgeous," John said, admiring the blue silk gown he had asked Kaylie to wear that night. He ran his hands through her hair which hung down her back, free and light. "Mmmn, I like your hair much better down." Kaylie reached up and wrapped her arms around John's neck and laid her head against his shoulder.   
  
"Kaylie?"  
  
"Hmm?"   
  
"Don't forget you owe me your life story."  
  
"Okay. Later," she replied, lifting her face and brushing her lips gently against John's.   
  
"Hmmn, later," John sighed happily, breathing in the soft scent of Kaylie's perfume.   
  
"Definitely pure animal attraction. . .." John mumbled as he nibbled Kaylie's ear.  
  
"Definitely. . .."  



	10. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: er/ characters belong to nbc, warner, amblin, constant c, etc. I'm just providing story-line ideas for the writers of the show. ne'er be the day I see any profit.  
  
SPOILERS: season 6, be still my heart through mayday.  
  
Lost Souls X  
By: Victoria F.   
  
John woke and stretched lazily. Then he pulled the covers to his chin and curled into a ball on his bed. He glanced at the clock. 7:15 A.M. Only five more hours 'til he saw Kaylie again for their lunch date. Happily, John smiled and threw back the covers. It was going to be a good day. John wrapped his brown terri cloth robe around him and pushed his feet into brown leather slippers. He crossed the room to a set of French doors and pulled them open, momentarily blinded by the intruding morning sun. He stepped out onto the veranda and took a deep breath. The air was cool and refreshing. John went back inside and quickly showered and dressed. Finally emerging from his bedroom in a pair of khaki pants, the usual white shirt and tie, and a warm, brown sweater to top it off, John made his way to the kitchen for breakfast.   
  
"Good morning Gamma," he said, greeting his grandmother who was already eating.   
  
"You're in a good mood this morning John. Will you be seeing Kaylie again today?" his grandmother asked, already knowing the answer.  
  
"Yes, I am. We're having lunch together. I'm on all night and it's the only time I can see her today," John answered.   
  
"John," his grandmother started, her voice serious. "I have to tell you something. Sit down," she said, patting the chair next to her. John walked over and sat next to his grandmother.  
  
"What is it Gamma? Did something happen?" he asked, now worried.   
  
"No John, everything's fine. But you need to know. Your parents are here."  
  
"What? They're here? But . . .." John stopped and Millicent comfortingly took his hand.  
  
"They arrived last night after you had gone to bed. I didn't know they were coming. They never called, they just came. Apparently, they decided it was time to check up on the family. The business is running smoothly and they took advantage of the down time."  
  
"Where are they?" John asked quietly, trying to hide the fear he could feel building.  
  
"They're still asleep. They arrived very late. They asked that I make sure you don't leave this morning. They would like to talk to you when they come down." Millicent looked at her grandson, and was perturbed by his downward stare and defeated posture.  
  
"John Truman Carter! I know that you weren't expecting to have this talk with your parents today, but you knew it was inevitable. They are your parents, they have a right to be concerned over everything that has happened. I would like it now, if you would please sit up like a gentlemen, hold your head high, and go into this with confidence and poise." Millicent knew she was being harsh, but she knew John had gone through an incredible amount of therapy just on this inevitability alone, and she wanted him to realize that he was capable of handling this confrontation with his parents.   
  
John raised his head and looked at his grandmother, "Yes ma'am." John smiled sincerely and kissed his grandmother on the cheek. "Thank you."  
  
"Now why don't you get some breakfast and I'll see if your parents are awake yet," said his grandmother. John nodded and Millicent got up from the table and left the kitchen.   
  
John prepared toast and juice for himself and sat down at the table. Gamma was right, he knew that he would have to speak to his parents about what happened, about his drug abuse and the rehab center. He had just hoped that it wouldn't be so soon. But he had no choice, his parents were here now. John contemplated calling Kaylie and asking her to come over and be with him during this. He knew that she would, that she cared enough about him to drop whatever she was doing and be at his side. But he didn't want to rely that heavily on Kaylie just yet. Their relationship was just beginning and he didn't want to burden it with his family issues, at least, not yet.   
  
John had finished eating and was rinsing his breakfast dishes when Millicent came back into the kitchen.   
  
"Your parents are awake. They're getting dressed and will be down shortly. Are you finished eating already?" she asked her grandson.  
  
"Yes, I only had toast and juice. I'm saving room for lunch," John said, smiling. John's mind returned to the talk he would be having soon with his parents, and his smile faltered. "I think I'm going to go for a quick stroll around the grounds while mom and dad are getting dressed. I'll be back soon," John said, before slipping out the kitchen door.   
  
John walked down the drive until he came to the fence surrounding the grounds. He turned and walked back up the drive to the carriage house. He walked around the outside of the structure, remembering how he and Chase had once played there. They would sneak in when William, the chauffeur, wasn't looking and slip behind the wheel of the cars stored there. John had gotten carried away one day, pretending he was driving Chase to some business function and had pressed his small hand into the horn. William had come running in and grabbed him out from behind the wheel and dragged both him and Chase to their grandfather. William's voice was loud and edged with anger as he had talked to John's grandfather. When William left them alone with the older man, John cringed and had tried to shrink back behind Chase. His grandfather was even angrier then William, and John never forgot the tongue lashing he had endured that day. Selfish, thoughtless, irresponsible, not fit to bare the Carter name. That was the one that really stung and John found himself replaying those words in his head.   
  
Was he to once again hear that same sentiment, only this time from his father? John had come to accept that he was the disappointment of the family, seemingly to have never grown into the Carter name. He knew that his grandfather had given up any hope that John would finally come to his senses and begin to act in a manner befitting a family in their social standing. While John had come to accept that his grandfather looked down upon his chosen career and lifestyle, he was unsure what his parents thought. They had never been around long enough for John to get a true sense of their opinion about the choices he made. He had a feeling that for the first time in his life, he would know exactly what his parents thought of him.  
  
John continued to walk and stopped when he came to a large tree with planks nailed onto its trunk for a ladder. The ladder led to a large tree house, high above the ground in the tree. John could remember when he and Chase had built the tree house. It was during summer break, and they were both in high school. Tired of receiving looks from the housekeepers for being underfoot, and weary of being dragged into the office with their grandfather to learn the business, they had built the tree house with the help of the maintenance man, Danny. Daniel actually, but they had agreed to call him Danny in exchange for his not calling them Mr. Carter or Sir. There was enough formality within the house.   
  
John grabbed hold of one of the steps and pulled on it. It seemed sturdy enough. He hadn't been in the tree house in years. He climbed slowly, testing each step to make sure it would hold his weight. Finally, he heaved himself up into the tree house. It was empty except for a couple of old bottles of Coca Cola and a battered foot stool they had stolen from the sitting room. John laughed as he looked down at the worn stool. It was probably an antique, worthless now.   
  
John leaned out a window and looked across the grounds. He could see a couple horses in the pasture and thought of Marigold. She had been put to sleep several years ago, and he missed her. Missed the feeling of freedom he felt when he was riding her, the sense of pride and accomplishment that came with each competition and each blue ribbon. His eyes traveled to the garden and he thought of the night that he almost lost Kaylie. The world seemed brighter, the air easier to breath when he was with her. He felt truly happy and he didn't want to lose that feeling. Just thinking of Kaylie made the lurking meeting with his parents seem less threatening. His thoughts were disturbed by a voice calling his name, and John looked down to the base of tree. There standing at the bottom of the tree was his father.  
  
"Dad! I'll come down," John said, embarrassed that he had kept his parents waiting so long that his father had come looking for him.   
  
"No John. Stay there, I'll come up," his father replied. John waited nervously as his father climbed the rickety ladder. His father had never come up into his tree house when he was younger. John didn't even know his father was aware that he had a tree house. John looked down at his father, afraid that a board might break, sending his father falling helplessly to the ground. But his father successfully climbed into the tree house and stood looking at John. John looked at his father, unsure what to do, and what to expect. His father walked over to him and pulled him into a tight embrace.   
  
"How've you been son?" his father asked.   
  
John was unnerved by the sudden show of feeling from his father. This wasn't what he had expected. "I'm good sir," John managed to respond.  
  
His father let him go and stood back to look at him. "You look good. Are you taking care of yourself John?" he asked.  
  
"Yes sir, I'm trying," answered John, unable to shake his unease.   
  
Roland sighed and looked at his son. His heart ached at his son's obvious discomfort at being with him. He had neglected his parental duties far too long and this was the result. He had been angry when his mother had told him about John's stay in Atlanta and his drug abuse. How could he? And after everything he had gone through with Chase. But then he turned his anger to himself. If only he had been there to support John through all of this, maybe it wouldn't have gone this far. But he would never know.   
  
"Sit down John, I think we need to talk." John began to lower himself to the floor, leaving the stool for Roland. "No John, you take the stool, you need it more than I do," Roland said after seeing John grimace in pain at the effort it took for him to sit.  
  
"Are you sure?" John asked, considerate as always. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe he had been raised too well, never putting his own needs before those of others.   
  
Roland gestured to for his son to take the stool and positioned himself on the floor. He turned and looked at John.  
  
"What happened?" he asked.  
  
John was silent. He knew that his father was asking him why he had abused his meds, why it had come to that. He struggled to find the right words.  
  
"I didn't mean for it to happen. I kept waiting. . .." John paused.  
  
"Waiting for what John?" Roland prompted.  
  
John continued, "I kept waiting for the nightmares to stop. For the pain to go away. To be able to sleep again. But nothing changed. Each night was the same. I'd dream about Sobricki, about Lucy. I'd close my eyes and I'd be afraid all over again. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I went back to work so I wouldn't have to sit and think about what happened. But I went back too soon. I pushed myself too hard. I wasn't healing from the surgery as fast as I should have, and not sleeping only made the pain worse. One night I went to bed and couldn't even bring myself to close my eyes. My whole body was in pain and every noise I heard sent jolts of terror through me. I know I should have said something to someone-Gamma, or Dr. Benton, or Kerry Weaver. But I reached for my pills and took one, then two, then three. I took as many as I needed to sleep through the night. It was the first time I had slept through the night in two months. And it felt really good dad. It just escalated from there." John stopped talking and looked at his father, his eyes filled with tears.  
  
"I'm sorry dad. I know I've embarrassed you and mom and the family."   
  
Roland looked at his son and sighed. "I was disappointed and angry when your grandmother called me and informed me that you were in a treatment center in Atlanta. But I have come to realize John, that I am the one who should be apologizing here. I am so sorry that I wasn't here for you. Maybe if I had been here, supported you through all of this, insisted you get counseling, this might not have happened." Roland glanced at his son.  
  
"You don't have to apologize dad. I am the one who chose to take the drugs rather than tell someone what was going on. I knew better. You don't think I thought about Chase before I swallowed those pills? I did. And I didn't care. I thought at that moment any risk was better than what I was feeling. I'm lucky. Someone saw me inject myself with a drug I stole at work. They made me go to Atlanta, or lose my job. I walked out of the hospital after telling them I quit, but they didn't give up on me. Dr. Benton followed me out that night, reached out to me and made me feel like my life was worth living. That I was worth the time and effort it took for him to get on the plane with me and take me to Atlanta. I only wish I had done the same for Chase." John lowered his head and began to cry.  
  
Roland got up and went to his son, and silently wrapped his arms around him. "I'm sorry John. I'm so sorry. I should have been the one to show you that you mean that much. I should have been the one to be on that plane with you. I should have known that you were in so much pain."  
  
John looked up. "But you're here now dad. You don't know how much this means to me."  
  
"John, I need to know. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you in counseling?" Roland looked at his son expectantly.  
  
"Yes dad. I am taking care of myself. Please believe that. I'm seeing a counselor and I'm attending NA groups. And most importantly, I've realized how important friends and family are. I'm not keeping any more secrets."  
  
"I'm proud of you son," Roland said. "So you're not keeping secrets? Then maybe you could fill me on this girlfriend of yours I've been hearing so much about from your grandmother."  
  
John and his father talked for a while, until John glanced down at his watch. "Oh no! I'm going to be late! I have a lunch date with Kaylie. I have to go." John scrambled down the ladder and ran across the yard to his car. Before slipping behind the wheel, John waved at his father who was slowly making his towards the house.   
  
*****  
  
Kaylie sat patiently outside the restaurant and looked up and down the street for any sign of John. She was beginning to worry that he had forgotten or that something had happened to him. But finally, she caught sight of his car and smiled. She knew she had worried for nothing. John pulled up to the curb and parked and Kaylie walked around to the driver side to greet him.  
  
"Hello Dr. Carter, it's so nice of you to join me," she teased.   
  
John grabbed Kaylie around the waist and kissed her. "You won't believe what I have to tell you. I'm sorry I'm late, but I have a very good explanation."   
  
"Ooh, I can't wait," Kaylie said, smiling.   
  
The couple seated themselves and waited for the waiter to take their order. "So John, what do you have to tell me that was so important, I had to wait here all by my lonesome for you?"  
  
John looked at Kaylie and grinned. "My parents are in town."  
  
Kaylie was surprised by this news, and was more surprised by John's reaction. "Oh. I'm a little confused though. I guess I wouldn't have expected you to be so happy about this. Aren't you worried about seeing them?" Kaylie asked.  
  
"I already saw them. Well, my dad at least. I was afraid to see them though. I wasn't sure how they were going to react to everything that has happened," John replied.   
  
Kaylie was upset by this news. Why hadn't John called her? She would have come out to his grandmother's estate to be with him when he spoke to his parents. Or at least offered him words of comfort on the telephone beforehand. But he hadn't even called. Maybe he didn't believe in her like he had said. She had been the one to push for their relationship, maybe he had just said what she wanted to hear.   
  
Kaylie barely heard John as he continued, "My dad was great. He was so supportive. He even apologized for not being here to help me. It wasn't at all what I expected to hear." John looked at Kaylie. She looked angry and didn't seem to notice that he had stopped talking.  
  
"Kaylie? Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.  
  
Kaylie looked at John, her green eyes rimmed with red, threatening to bring forth tears any second.  
  
"I'm happy for you John that things went so well with your father," Kaylie paused. Finally Kaylie looked at John determinedly. "I'm sorry John. I don't know if I can do this. You obviously don't trust me enough to turn to me for support. You said you believed in me, but you didn't even call John! I would have been there for you. I would have stood by your side when you faced your parents. But you didn't even call. . .." Kaylie began to cry and got up from the table. "I have to think about this John. If this is worth it." Kaylie began to walk away from the table.  
  
"Kaylie! Wait!" John ran after Kaylie and grabbed her by the elbow. "Please, Kaylie. I'm sorry. I just thought it was too early for something this heavy."   
  
Kaylie turned to John and stared him in the eye. "You thought wrong." Kaylie turned on her heel and walked away, leaving John gaping behind her.  
  
Rather than go back home, John decided to go into work early. He walked into the ER dejectedly, barely noticing Dave as he opened his locker and put his coat away.   
  
"Hey John, early aren't you? Trying to score some points with the bosses?" Dave joked.   
  
John closed his locker and collapsed onto the couch. "No. Kaylie and I had a fight. I'm a real idiot, you know that?"  
  
"True, true," agreed Dave. Noticing the 'not in the mood for jokes' look on John's face, he asked more seriously, "So what happened?" He sat down on the couch across from John and waited for an answer.  
  
"My parents are in town and I never called Kaylie before seeing them. You know, for support. She knew I've been worried about facing them. I'm so dumb! I just thought it was too early to ask that much of her-too lean on her that heavily. She said I didn't trust her, that I don't believe in her. That's not true, I do! I should have called her, I wanted to. I'm just afraid that once we do start relying on each other that way, that we're going to lose something. I mean, we've both been through a lot, and I don't want either of us to feel like we're taking on too much." John stopped talking and looked at Dave.  
  
Dave looked at John for a moment. He couldn't believe how naive John was. No wonder his previous relationships had lasted only so long. "John, my man. You don't get it. When you feel comfortable enough to lean on someone in that way, you're not losing anything, you're gaining something. You're moving onto that next level-you know, where you share what's in here," Dave tapped his chest. "That's when you know you've got someone pretty special and you should fight to hang onto them. But if you're not willing to go to that level, what's left? I don't think Kaylie's in this for the nice dinners and evenings on the town. She digs you man. You've got to see that."  
  
John looked at Dave in amazement. "What, are you the love doctor now?"  
  
"No man, I've been there though, and just like you, I threw it away. I refused to take it to the next level and she gave me the boot. I have regretted that ever since. No woman has even come close." Dave's eyes took on a faraway look as he remembered his first true love.   
  
Just then, the lounge door flew open and Kerry rushed in. "Dave, I need you out here now! We've got a gsw coming in-possible suicide attempt." Kerry noticed John and said, "John, I'm glad you're here. You'll want to be a part of this." John and Dave followed Kerry donning plastic gowns, readying themselves for the incoming trauma.   
  
The paramedics pushed through the doors and John, Dave and Kerry met them on the way in. "Thirteen year old male, gsw to the head. Pulse is weak but stable. Pupils are unresponsive. Parents are on their way in, said they didn't know how he got a hold of the gun, it was supposedly locked away in a closet. It's his birthday." The paramedic handed off the chart and left the boy in the hands of the doctors. John looked at the boy and thought for a moment he looked familiar. It was hard to tell though, half of the boy's head was gone and there was blood and gray matter everywhere.   
  
Kerry looked at John and answered his unspoken question, "Jonathon Mathews."  
  
"Oh my god," sighed John as he ran his hand threw his hair.   
  
"We're losing a rhythm!" said Dave. Kerry motioned for him to stand by, but do nothing.  
  
"There's nothing we can do. There's gray matter-half his head is gone. He's dead already," said Kerry sadly.   
  
John stood by as the monitors flat-lined. Kerry checked his respiration and pupils one last time. "Time of death, 4:18P.M." Kerry turned off the monitors. "Dave, call human services. He's in the system, they'll need to be informed."  
  
Kerry turned to John, "John? Are you okay?"  
  
"I have to find Kaylie. She'll want to know," John said, pushing his way out of the trauma room.   
  
*****  
  
Kaylie had just finished meeting with her last client of the day when there was a knock on her door. She opened it and saw John standing there. His expression was dark.  
  
"I told you I needed to think John," she said moving to close the door.  
  
"Please, Kaylie. I have to talk to you. It's important that you listen to me." John's voice cracked as he spoke. Kaylie was immediately concerned, despite her anger.  
  
"What is it John?" she asked, her voice softening.  
  
"Not here. Can we go somewhere? Back to your place, or my Gamma's?" John asked.  
  
"The lake shore," Kaylie responded. The lake shore was still her favorite place to think and come to conclusions, and if John wanted to talk that was the best place to go. John nodded, silently.  
  
The two left in John's car and drove in silence. Once they arrived at the lake, John sat down next to Kaylie and took her hand in his own.   
  
"I have something important to tell you. It's not about me or what happened earlier today," he paused, unsure how to proceed. Kaylie looked at him, her eyes wide and expectant.  
  
"Kaylie, I went to the hospital after you left. The paramedics brought in a gun shot victim. We didn't even have a chance to save him, there was too much damage. It was a suicide attempt, he shot himself in the head." John paused and looked at Kaylie.  
  
"Who was it John?" asked Kaylie, her voice quivering. Deep in her heart, she knew who it was.  
  
"I'm sorry Kaylie. It was Jonathon Mathews."   
  
Kaylie didn't say anything, but tears fell silently down her cheeks. John pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. Kaylie's tears became sobs and her body shook, and John held her tighter. Finally, her sobs quieted and her body grew still within John's embrace. John took out a handkerchief and gently wiped away Kaylie's tears.   
  
"I'm so sorry Kaylie," John repeated finally, breaking the silence. He caressed Kaylie's cheek and lowered his head until it almost rested atop of her own. Kaylie's body was limp in his arms and he looked down at her face. Her eyes were open and were staring out across the water. The sun was setting over the water, casting ripples of color across the waves. John sat and held Kaylie in his arms, and silently prayed that she would be alright.  



	11. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: er/ characters are property of nbc, warner bros, amblin, constant c, etc. no profit involved.  
  
SPOILERS: most of season 6, be still my heart, onwards  
  
COMMENTARY: Okay, here it is, finally. The final part in this series. How'd you like it? Please give me feedback on this one-the series as a whole actually. Thanks to all of you who have been faithfully giving me feedback all along. Enjoy! Song quoted: It's Okay to Cry by Pam Thum  
  
Lost Souls XI  
By: Victoria F.  
  
"How's she doing John?" the muffled voice on the other end of the phone line questioned. John warily ran a hand through his tousled brown hair and pondered that question. Should he be honest and admit that Kaylie had secluded herself in her bedroom not even letting John near, or lie and say Kaylie was tired but doing okay? An image of Kaylie locked away in some institution made him shudder, and he chose the latter.   
  
"She's hanging in there Charlie. She's sleeping right now though, and I really don't want to have to wake her up. She's been through a lot in the past few days and it's starting to catch up to her." John closed his eyes, remembering how defeated Kaylie had looked when she was told she could not attend Jonathon Mathews funeral. His parents had made that very clear by arranging to have an officer there in the event Kaylie decided to come against their wishes. That was two days ago. That was also the day Kaylie went into her bedroom and stayed there, only coming out to use the bathroom or get some water.   
  
"John? John, damnit! John, are you listening to me?" John stirred and realized that he had been so entrenched in his thoughts that he had completely tuned Charlie out.   
  
"Uh, sorry Charlie. I was, um, thinking. Sorry. What did you say?"  
  
"Jeez John, are you sure Kaylie's alright? Are you alright? I called over to the hospital first, and was told you hadn't been in for a few days." Charlie sounded concerned, not only for Kaylie but for John, and John was surprised. He had thought that Charlie still looked down on Kaylie's and his relationship. But the voice on the other end of the phone sounded different, like he not only accepted the relationship, but had opened up a part of his heart to John. That he was not only worried about his god-daughter, but about John now as well.   
  
John smiled a little and replied, "We're both fine Charlie. I just took a few days off to be with Kaylie."  
  
"You don't sound fine John. You sound out of it."  
  
John was quick to reply, "I'm just tired Charlie. Nothing to worry about." John refused to admit he was more than tired, he was drained. He was having a hard time staying on his feet and wanted nothing more than to go home, climb into bed and sleep for a week. But he couldn't leave Kaylie. She needed him, even if she wouldn't let him near her. He refused to give up on her.  
  
Charlie was far from convinced that all was 'fine' over at Kaylie's apartment, but if John wanted to handle this his way, than so be it. Charlie trusted that John would call him if things took a turn for the worse.  
  
"John, I love Kaylie too. Please call me if you have to. You don't have to do this alone." There, he said it. He only hoped John would believe it.  
  
"I know Charlie. I'll call; I promise." John hung up the phone and stood staring at it for a second. In the silence of the apartment, he wasn't so sure he was doing the right thing. He hadn't seen Kaylie when she had her breakdown. Was this how it had started then? Could he be condemning her to a life of institutionalization by leaving Charlie out of it? As if coming out of a haze, John shook his head, clearing his mind of its cobwebs. Damnit! No, he would be here for Kaylie when she finally reached out for that comfort he knew she so desperately needed.   
  
A noise behind him startled him, and he twirled around to see what it was. The door to the bedroom had opened and Kaylie stood in the doorway looking at him. Her face was red and puffy from crying, her eyes painfully swollen. John started towards her, but Kaylie crossed over to the kitchen and out of his reach. Dejected, John leaned against the back of the couch and watched as Kaylie poured herself a glass of water. She reached into a cabinet and pulled out a bottle of aspirin and flipped off the lid. John couldn't see how many she shook into her palm, but doubted that she would take any more than necessary. Kaylie looked up and saw John watching her. She dropped the bottle onto the counter and took a few steps towards John. Reaching her hand out, she opened it, displaying the two aspirin that lay there.  
  
"Don't worry John, I'm not going to kill myself." With that, she walked back into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her.   
  
John slumped back against the couch and wrapped one arm around his stomach, while the other came to rest over his face. He fought to control the emotions that were surging through his body. His legs suddenly felt weak and the world began to slope off to the side. Grasping the back of the couch, he made his way around it and sat down heavily. Lowering his head between his knees, he forced himself to breath slowly until his head cleared. Finally giving into the exhaustion that he had fought for days, John closed his eyes and fell asleep.  
  
Warm. Why was he warm? Groggily, John reached a hand out and touched fur. Fur? He ran his hand over the fur and realized he was covered by a blanket. John painfully opened his eyes and squinted at the blanket, trying to focus on the colors and shapes. It finally came into focus and John realized he hadn't covered himself. That meant Kaylie had. John smiled and felt encouraged; she wasn't mad at him then. John flung the blanket back and rolled himself into a sitting position. He raised his arms above his head and stretched, then brought his arms down and ran them over his face. Coffee. That would wake him up. John stumbled over to the kitchen and noticed a poptart wrapper on the counter. Not exactly healthy, but at least Kaylie had eaten something. John felt even more encouraged, and hoped this was the day she finally let him comfort her.   
  
Before John could fill the coffee maker, there was a quiet knock at Kaylie's front door. Not wanting to disturb Kaylie if she was asleep, John quickly walked to the door and opened it. Kerry stood there, two steaming coffees in hand and a bag clasped beneath her arm.  
  
Kerry noticed John's startled look and explained, "Hi John. I thought maybe you could use a friend right now." John continued to stare at Kerry, his mind trying to digest what she had just said. He was more tired than he thought. He should have stayed asleep.  
  
"Can I come in?" Kerry looked at her friend. She was worried about him. He had asked her for a few days off, and hadn't even called in once to let her or anyone else know how Kaylie was doing. John was just getting on his own two feet, and here he was taking care of Kaylie.   
  
"Hmm? Oh yeah, sorry Kerry. Come in." John stood aside for Kerry to come through, taking the coffees out of her hands as she passed. He put the coffee down on the table next to the bag Kerry brought in. He eyed the bag and looked at Kerry, his eyebrow raised.   
  
"Danish. I thought you might be hungry." Kerry grinned as John peeked into the bag. John pulled out a pastry and smelled it, then took a bite.   
  
"Oh, cherry. I love cherry. Thank you Kerry! This is just what I needed. And you're just in time to save me from having to make coffee too." John took another bite and washed it down with the coffee Kerry had brought.  
  
Kerry watched her friend eat, noticing the dark circles under his eyes, and wondered if John had been sleeping. The way he was devouring the Danishes lead her to believe that he hadn't been eating either.   
  
"John, you have to take care of yourself. You're not doing Kaylie any good if you pass out from exhaustion or hunger."   
  
John stopped eating and looked at Kerry. She was right. He had just been so worried about Kaylie, that eating and sleeping weren't very high on his list of priorities.   
  
Swallowing the bite of Danish in his mouth, he said, "I know Kerry. I really do, I've just been so worried about Kaylie. Jeez Kerry, she won't let me near her! I don't know what to do. I lied to Charlie yesterday. He called and I told him she was alright, just tired. But this goes beyond tired Kerry. She barely leaves her bedroom."  
  
"You can only do so much for her John. The rest is up to her. You're here for her; that's what's important. Remember that, okay?" Kerry reached out and gently brushed aside a lock of hair that had fallen in front of John's eyes. "Okay?"  
  
John smiled weakly and nodded. "Okay," he agreed.  
  
"I have to get to work. Are you going to be okay John? Do you want me to send Dave or Jing Mei over after their shifts? I'm sure they wouldn't mind keeping you company for a bit."  
  
John shook his head. "No thanks. I'm going to try and talk to Kaylie today. If she still won't talk to me, I'll call Charlie back. I don't think I can do this by myself." John was silent for a moment, remembering how close he had been to passing out the previous night. This wasn't good for him, and it wasn't good for Kaylie.  
  
"Okay John. Just call me if you need anything." Kerry wrapped her arms around her friend and pulled him into a gentle embrace. "Take care of yourself," she said, kissing him on the cheek.  
  
John walked with her to the door, and shut it gently when she was gone. Then he went back to the couch and sat down, closing his eyes. He pulled the blanket around his body and welcomed sleep once again.  
  
Crying; someone's crying. Am I crying? John reached up and wiped at his face. No, I'm not crying. Kaylie! John sat up and listened, trying to still his thundering heart. There, he heard it again. She was crying. John sat for a moment, listening to the quiet sobs which sounded muffled-perhaps by a pillow? Why would Kaylie try to hide the face that she was crying? John quietly eased himself off the couch and made his way over to the bedroom door. Gently turning the handle, he pulled the door open.   
  
Kaylie was lying on the bed, facing away from the door. If she heard the door open, she gave no indication of it. John walked over to the bed and slowly sat next to Kaylie. He looked down at Kaylie and was stunned at how vulnerable she looked. She was curled into a tight ball, with a pillow clenched in her arms. Her face was pressed into the pillow and John could hear her gasping for breaths between soul shattering sobs. John's heart was breaking and he wanted nothing more than to hold her, tell her how much he loved her. But he was afraid she would pull away, tell him to leave once again. John reached out and gently laid his hand on Kaylie's shoulder. Nothing. She continued to cry, but she didn't pull away.   
  
"Kaylie," John said in a whisper, more to himself than to her. John lay on the bed next to Kaylie and wrapped his arms around her, preparing for a struggle. Instead, her sobs increased and John felt a hand make its way into his own.   
  
Finally.   
  
John pressed his face into her hair, and murmured words of comfort and love. He tightened his grip on her hand and they lay there, side by side until Kaylie's sobs quieted and she slept. It wasn't a peaceful sleep however, and Kaylie woke often, crying out from some horrible dream. John would tighten his hold around her, calming her with more whispered words of comfort. The night was long, and finally Kaylie stilled enough for John to drift into darkness himself.  
  
Kaylie woke early and felt the weight of John's arm over her shoulders, holding her even as he slept. Kaylie closed her eyes and breathed in John's smell. She felt so safe, she didn't want to move. Her stomach rumbled, reminding Kaylie that she hadn't eaten much, if at all the past few days. She knew John hadn't eaten much either, he had been so worried about her-her constant companion, despite how cold she had treated him.   
  
Kaylie gently lifted John's arm and rolled out from under it. She lay his arm down over the pillow she had cradled all night and smiled as John hugged it to himself. Kaylie wrapped her robe around her body and slipped her feet into slippers and quietly left John alone in the bedroom. Kaylie surveyed the mess in the kitchen, and swiftly cleaned up. Then pulling out a carton of eggs, and bisquick mix, she set about to make breakfast.   
  
John was dreaming about pancakes. He could see them, his mouth watered at the smell. He reached to take one and they faded before his eyes. John grumbled in his sleep as his breakfast disappeared. But he could still smell them. He could smell pancakes. John's nose twitched and he stirred, one eye opening lazily. He was awake. And alone. He could still smell pancakes.   
  
John stumbled out of bed and crossed the room to the door. Pulling it open resulted in a wash of new sensory delights. Coffee, eggs, and those pancakes. Dreams really do come true. And best of all, in the midst of a feast, stood Kaylie.   
  
"Good morning sleepy head. I thought you were never going to wake up." Kaylie stood smiling at John. He blinked at her with tired eyes, trying to understand the scene before him. Was he still dreaming? Kaylie (was it Kaylie?) walked over to him with a mug of coffee and held it under his nose. That did it. His head cleared and realized this wasn't a dream.   
  
"Mmn, coffee. Thank you." John took a sip and felt a little more awake. He walked over to the kitchen table and slipped into a chair in front of a plate full of food.  
  
"Did you do this?" he asked the smiling redhead at the other end of the table.  
  
"I was hungry," Kaylie said, biting into a piece of toast. "I thought you might be too," she added through a mouthful of toast. John laughed, remembering their first meal together at Doc Magoos when Kaylie was embarrassed by her lack of "manners". John was as enthralled by her then as he was now. The two ate silently, finishing all the food Kaylie had made. It had been awhile since either of them had a full meal.  
  
Finally, John sat back and looked at Kaylie. "How are you feeling?"   
  
Kaylie smiled at John, remembering the despair she had felt last night, the urge to end it once and for all. And then John had been there. He let her cry as he held her tightly, not letting her go once. She remembered waking through the night, to be comforted by the presence of John and the feeling of his strong arms still holding her. She thought she could even remember whispered words of hope and love-he wasn't awake all night was he?  
  
Kaylie looked at John and saw that love there, reflected in his kind brown eyes. She reached across the table and took his hand in her own, as he had done last night.   
  
"I feel good."  
  
John could tell something had changed; Kaylie's face was peaceful, calm. Her eyes no longer held that look of sadness that had haunted him whenever he tried to hold her gaze.   
  
Kaylie stood up and began to clear the table. John began to help her when she stopped him. "Why don't you hop in the shower? You look kind of scrubby," she teased.   
  
John obediently went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Scrubby was right. His hair was jutting out every which way and his face was in dire need of a razor. John quickly stripped and got into the shower. He let the hot water wash over his body, taking with it not only the dirt and sweat of several days vigil, but the worry and despair as well. Finally emerging from the shower, before Kaylie could yell at him for using up all the hot water, he felt refreshed. Better than he had in some time. He shaved and dressed, wishing he had brought more changes of clothes with him. But at least he was clean.   
  
Allowing Kaylie to shower, John finished cleaning up the kitchen and started on the living room. He'd done a good job of leaving coffee mugs and magazines laying around the room, as well as several untouched medical journals. John picked up the blanket Kaylie had covered him with the previous day and gingerly touched it. It was battered and had several holes in it. Why Kaylie hadn't thrown it away was beyond him. Being careful not to damage it further, he folded the blanket and laid it on Kaylie's bed.   
  
Not sure what to do now, he sat on the couch and picked up the t.v. remote and began switching through channels. Good-Days of Our Lives was starting. John settled back and didn't hear when Kaylie came up from behind, wrapping her hands over his eyes. John reached up and grabbed her hands, pulling them down to his mouth so he could lay a kiss on each. Then he looked up and into Kaylie's face above him. Ugh, that was a bad idea. The room began to tilt and John quickly brought his head down. Guess he was still a bit tired.  
  
Kaylie walked around the couch and sat down next to him. "You okay?"   
  
"Yeah, guess I'm still a bit out of it," he replied sheepishly.  
  
"Well, it's no wonder. You didn't get much sleep last night." Kaylie paused, "Thank you."  
  
"For what?" John was confused, what had he done?  
  
"For being here. For not leaving. For last night." Kaylie leaned close to John and kissed him gently. "For not giving up on me."  
  
John pulled Kaylie into his arms and held her silently. Neither was really watching the television; both enjoyed the feeling of being in each other's presence. Kaylie was the first to break the silence.  
  
"I'm going to quit my job."  
  
John wasn't sure how to respond to this. He didn't want to influence her decision; he knew it had to be hers alone. So finally he just said, "Okay."  
  
"Okay? Is that all you can say?" Kaylie teased him.  
  
John pulled her tighter into his embrace and nuzzled his face into her shoulder. "I just want you to do whatever you feel is right. If quitting your job is right, than I'm behind you one hundred percent."  
  
"I knew you would be," Kaylie murmured happily.  
  
"What are you going to do?" John asked gently.  
  
"I've always wanted to work somewhere that offers kids more hope. Some day I'd like to open a place for kids to come-a safe place. A place for kids like Jonathon. Somewhere they can go when things are so bad they feel they have to run a way, or. . .," Kaylie paused, sniffling.  
  
John hugged her close, saying, "I know, Kaylie, I know." Or resort to killing themselves, like Jonathon Matthew's, John thought dully to himself.   
  
"I believe you'll do that Kaylie."  
  
Kaylie swallowed and continued, "For now, I think I'll look for somewhere like that, and get some experience. Build some support for the idea. Maybe the Boys and Girls Club or the Salvation Army."  
  
Kaylie jumped as a knock sounded on the door. "I'll get it Kaylie," John said. He kissed her gently before standing and walking to the door. He pulled it open and was surprised to see Charlie standing there.   
  
"Er, hi John. I'm sorry for coming over without calling, but I was just getting so worried about Kaylie. . .about both of you, that I had to come."   
  
"Uncle Charlie!" Kaylie's voice was happy as she called out to her god-father, and then jumped off the couch to greet him.  
  
Charlie was surprised to see Kaylie up and dressed and showered too. In fact, so was John. Charlie's face reddened as he realized that the young couple was fine. He had jumped the gun by coming over.   
  
"I should have called. I'll come back later."   
  
"Nonsense, you're here now. Stay. Besides, I have something to tell you." Kaylie dragged Charlie into the living room while John closed the door.   
  
"I'll get some coffee going," John said. He wandered into the kitchen and could hear Kaylie's voice tinged with excitement as she shared her plans with the other man in her life. John leaned against the counter and sighed deeply. She made it.  
  
*****  
  
"Are you sure you want to do this?"  
  
John barely heard the question as he stood staring at the ambulance bay doors. Kaylie tugged at his sleeve.  
  
"Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm sure. I have to do this." John looked down at Kaylie, bundled in a winter jacket, with a wool cap pulled tightly down over her ears. "Thanks for being here with me."   
  
"I wouldn't let you do it alone." Kaylie smiled up at the man she loved, and prepared to help him destroy the last of his demons. "Let's go in before we turn into popsicles."  
  
The couple passed through the bay doors and stood in the waiting area, pulling off hats and mittens. Kerry had been waiting for them and noticed them standing there.   
  
"John, Kaylie." She hugged each of them, holding onto John a bit longer, finally letting go when she heard Haleh's voice behind her.  
  
"Give some of us a chance to say 'hi' too." Kerry stepped away as John and Kaylie were surrounded by John's friends and colleagues. Finally, when everyone had gone back to work, John dared to look around. Relieved at what he saw, he turned back to Kerry.  
  
"I'm glad it's decorated. I was afraid you'd all just ignore the day like it wasn't even a holiday."  
  
Kerry smiled sadly, remembering the deadly night a year ago. "We all talked about it, and agreed we don't want to mark it as a time of sorrow. It's a day for love, and that's what we want to remember. How much we all love you and how glad we are that you're still with us."  
  
"Thanks Kerry. Um, well, I think it's time." Kerry hugged John again and left him alone with Kaylie.  
  
"Ready?" she whispered.  
  
"Ready," he said, smiling down at her. It felt good to have her at his side, and he knew that he could do this. Silently, the couple walked to curtain area three and pushed open the door, not noticing the eyes watching their slow trek across the ER.   
  
John stood inside the door, his mind instantly flashing to that night. Seeing the fallen valentine, bending down to pick it up, the blinding pain as the knife entered his back. Calling out for help, knowing he wasn't heard. Seeing Lucy lying in a pool of dark red. He shuddered and felt goosebumps on his arms and legs. Then Kaylie was at his side, her arm entwining around his waist, bringing him back to today. The empty room stretched out in front of him. There was no one here. It was quiet, safe. It was over. Silently, John turned to the door and he and Kaylie walked out together. Kaylie stopped outside the door, and reached her hands up to cup John's tear streaked face. She lifted her face and kissed John, looking deeply into his eyes, telling him he was safe. They left the ER, arms around each other, oblivious to the teary eyes that had watched the display of love.   
  
John steered Kaylie across the street and into Doc Magoos. He took her coat and hung it up, before leading her over to a booth adorned with roses and candles.   
  
Kaylie gasped. "It's beautiful!" She turned her green eyes up to John and reached her hand out. John took it and sat down next to her.   
  
"Happy Valentine's Day Kaylie." John grinned at her.   
  
"Oh, I don't have your gift here John," Kaylie said.   
  
"That's okay. That just gives me something to look forward to," John replied before kissing Kaylie.  
  
"Ahem." Kaylie and John looked up to see a familiar waitress holding a tray full of food. "One club sandwich, hold the mayo, extra pickle, and one meatloaf special. Oh, and let's not forget the chocolate shake, two straws. Will there be anything else for you two tonight?" John laughed and shook his head. The waitress smiled and hurried back to the kitchen.   
  
"John, thank you. This is so romantic." Kaylie smiled at John, her heart doing flip-flops.   
  
The talked and ate, remembering the past year. It had been long, full of hardships as well as good times. And through it all, their love grew stronger. The waitress cleared their table and soon returned holding something.  
  
"Dessert?" She held out a heart shaped box of chocolates, which John took from her. She left and John opened the box.  
  
"Chocolate?" he asked, a twinkle in his eye. "Maybe this one?" he offered, pointing to the middle piece.  
  
"Okay," Kaylie said slowly, her heart pounding. With shaking fingers, she gently lifted the chocolate. Kaylie's hand froze as light glimmered off a ring that had been hidden by the candy. John reached out and removed the ring. Dropping to one knee on the floor next to her, he held the ring up.  
  
"Kaylie Moore, will you be my wife?"  
  
*****  
  
Epilogue  
  
Tear stained faces  
Awkward places  
Somewhere between life and living  
Fears unspoken  
Just a token smile  
Why do we hide behind the mask of "I'm okay"  
Isn't there something more we need to say-cause  
  
There's no one here we must be strong for  
There's no one here but you and me  
And we don't need the answers  
We don't need to know why  
We just need to know sometimes  
It's okay to cry  
  
We grow older  
Harder, colder  
Until we're numb from pretending  
Silent, lonely  
But not the only one  
I've got a shoulder that's yours for the asking  
You've got a hand that I may need to hold-and  
  
There's no one here we must be strong for  
There's no one here but you and me  
And we don't need the answers  
We don't need to know why  
We just need to know sometimes  
It's okay to cry  
  
Tink, tink, tink. Dave's fork tapped the side of his glass. "As best man, I'm pleased to present to you, the bride and groom-Kaylie and John Carter!"  
  
John and Kaylie rose from their seats at the head table and gazed out over the mass of faces in front of them. His parents beamed at him from their seats, as did Charlie next to them. Aunts, uncles, cousins. Several tables were taken up by hospital staff alone. Mark Greene, Luka Kovach, Jing Mei, Haleh, Chuny, Yosh, Abby. Peter Benton and Cleo Finch had come together, and John smiled as the light caught on her own diamond decorating Cleo's finger. Even Romano and Anspaugh had come.   
  
John cleared his throat. "I'd like to thank you all for coming and sharing this special day with us. It means a lot to look out there and see you all here. I hope you all enjoy yourselves--eat, drink, dance and be merry!" John's short welcoming speech was followed by cheers from around the room.   
  
More clinking from around the room. "Kiss! Kiss!"  
  
John smiled, his cheeks flushing. Kaylie laughed and turned to John. John ran his hand gently over her cheek and leaned down, kissing his new bride passionately.   
  
Finally breaking away, John looked down at Kaylie. Leaning close to her ear, he whispered, "God gave me the greatest gift of all when he sent you to me. You are my angel."  
  
Kaylie looked at John, her eyes wide. She could have sworn God sent John to her as her own guardian angel. She smiled before whispering to him, "As you are mine."  
  
~Fin  



End file.
